[AWeSomeNeSS]

Sorry, this is going to be a long story.

But I just talked to a cousin of mine from Vietnam on Yahoo who I haven't talked to in awhile. He is the quiet and thoughtful cousin but today's chat session really troubled me and broke my heart. We talked about how he wanted to come to the U.S. to study in 2 years after he graduates from high school. He revealed to me (after much prodding) that the true reason he wanted to come was because he wanted a fresh start. It was just so sad how he poured his heart out to me by telling me about all the stuff that he had to deal with. He told me he lives in constant fear because his mom (my aunt) takes out all her anger on him and yells at him for every little thing and has tried to kill herself more than once.

His family lives with his paternal grandmother, whose family dislikes my aunt for whatever reason. It's so bad that my aunt constantly tried to commit suicide by either banging her head against the wall or jumping off the 3rd floor. She's already an psychologically fragile person and all this just puts more stress and pressure on my cousin. He said that everybody takes out their anger on him and looks down on him. This ranged from his dad to his maternal relatives (my side). He kept repeating over and over that "nobody understands me" and "why does everybody yell at me, I'm a human too". Even though, it was through Yahoo chat, I could literally see him crying as he typed those words, it was just so sad.

Along with the undue stress and fear created by his mother's psychological fragility, the fact that everybody else to ignore him or take out their anger on him just exacerbated the situation. Then, he mentioned how my other cousins' birthday are celebrated by my family but his is ignored. When I asked him when his birthday was, he just said "forget it, I don't have a birthday. I forgot it a long time ago." So he said that he wants to study hard so he can come to the U.S. and start afresh, working and studying to support himself. But he said that whenever he sits down to study, he gets yelled and then so he can't focus on his studying because he is so depressed. He kept saying, "I don't want to talk about it because it just makes me sad and then I want to cry." He said this at least 4 or 5 times throughout the chat session.

I asked him why didn't just move out since the main cause of my aunt's psychological problems is her conflict with the spiteful mother-in-law. But in Vietnam, it's different and the mother-in-law doesn't want her son (my uncle) to move out so they're pretty much stuck in that situation. Society and traditions are totally different in Vietnam. Everybody lives under the same roof, even after marriage.

So what do you guys think I should do? I really want to help him but I don't know what to do. The thing is he told me to promise not to tell anybody about this so I don't want to break that promise but at the same time, I don't know what I could do alone. I'm scared that if this situation goes on any longer, something bad will happen to either my cousin or my aunt, or both.

[greenana]

That is a complicated situation. If it is possible, when your cousin come to study in the US then tell him to bring his mom too. It seems like there is really no life for them since no one is treating them right within their own family. What about your uncle? Really, your cousin and his family should move out and live by themselves. Living with others that doesn't get along with you just make the whole situation a lot worse. I know it's all customs and all, but for now, you just have to show your cousin that you care and love him.

[orangekiss]

I've lived in Vietnam before so i know the society's very traditional and thus it must be hard on your cousin. So I think it would be hard for you to do something on your own, tho that's very nice of you to worry about your cousin like that =) My suggestion is to consult with your parents about your cousin's situation. Maybe they might be able to do something since they will have a heavier say in family situation compared to yours. Also where is your uncle (the cousin's dad)? Does he just sit by and not do anything? Hope that help.

[AWeSomeNeSS]

I've lived in Vietnam before so i know the society's very traditional and thus it must be hard on your cousin. So I think it would be hard for you to do something on your own, tho that's very nice of you to worry about your cousin like that =) My suggestion is to consult with your parents about your cousin's situation. Maybe they might be able to do something since they will have a heavier say in family situation compared to yours. Also where is your uncle (the cousin's dad)? Does he just sit by and not do anything? Hope that help.

He said his dad knows what's going on but he doesn't say anything. I know his dad (my uncle by marriage). Him and my aunt are both very timid people, for lack of a better word. I don't think he wants to stand up to his mother and his family, the people who hate my aunt. But he did say that his dad was the one who proposed the studying abroad idea so I think he's subtly giving my cousin a way out. Thanks for your response.