Nearly 50% of first-time marriages in America end in divorce. It makes one wonder whether couples are adequately preparing and doing their research by spending time getting to know each other.
Those with more relationship experience and those who spend more time getting to know each other are almost always the ones who end up in happier marriages. But just how close do you need to be with your partner before you know he or she is a good match? While dating, a person usually shows only his best side and hides his negative traits. It isn't until after the marriage when the couple moves together that the problems are revealed. And by that time, it's too late.
There are a lot of things that are very difficult to find out until after living together such as daily habits and willingness to do chores. For average couple, do you believe that it is more beneficial or harmful to spend some time living with your partner before marriage? Are there any smart alternatives?
(I'm posing this question on a non-religious basis, so please don't apply any religion-based arguments except from a practical application, i.e. natural theology)
Living together before marriage Beneficial or harmful?
#1
- Elite Penguin Molestor
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 979
- Joined: 19-October 08
Posted 05 October 2009 - 07:59 PM
#2
- Sniped!!!
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 2,058
- Joined: 06-October 05
Posted 05 October 2009 - 08:14 PM
by that respect, i would say it be benefitical to learn the truth before facing the inevitable lies.
YouTube | PSN: rurunix | Facebook (add me) | QQ:1417188275
#3
- Addict
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 1,257
- Joined: 13-May 09
Posted 05 October 2009 - 08:27 PM
I personally think you can learn a lot about a person by living together. Not only do you find out about daily habits and willingness to do chores (as well as other "roommate" aspects), but you learn more about your significant other as a partner. You learn about their financial habits, you learn more about their friends, family, pretty much everything. At least, this has been my experience. My bf and I have definitely learned more about each other since moving in together, and as a result have grown closer. Of course, the opposite is also possible, and in that case, I think it's better to learn sooner rather than later (as in, after the wedding).
I'm sure it's not necessary for every couple to move in together before marriage to make things work, but for me it seems to have helped.
I'm sure it's not necessary for every couple to move in together before marriage to make things work, but for me it seems to have helped.
#4
- Member
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 762
- Joined: 06-October 05
Posted 05 October 2009 - 09:03 PM
before getting married me and my husband lived together. but before that we already decided to get married soon after.
for couples that want to give it a 'test run' before thinking about it, i have no idea how that is, but i would imagine it's a good chance to really get to know each other. but, if it doesn't work out, it really sucks for the one who has to move out...
for couples that want to give it a 'test run' before thinking about it, i have no idea how that is, but i would imagine it's a good chance to really get to know each other. but, if it doesn't work out, it really sucks for the one who has to move out...
#5
- Member
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 19
- Joined: 29-May 09
Posted 05 October 2009 - 09:09 PM
I think it's better to live with each other first before considering marriage. It can really make or break a relationship. Some couples build stronger relationships and bonds, while others can't stand seeing each other 24/7. It helps to see and learn more about each others' lives and see if you guys will be ready for marriage.
#6
- Member
-
- Group: Friends of Soompi
- Posts: 6,506
- Joined: 04-October 05
Posted 05 October 2009 - 09:12 PM
I think it's good to live together before marriage. I do remember though, during my sex psychology class where a research experiment stated that a couple living together more than 6 months before marriage have a higher chance of splitting up/getting a divorce. So maybe move in together but not too long as a non-married couple?
Please don't forget me. { I'm going away. }
I'm taking a taxi to Kentucky where they don't even know all about me. I just need to feel s a f e.
I've got a thousand sweaters, and shoes, and paintings to hide the skeletons in my way.
But he said, "Slow down, slow down. Think it over, we've all got wretched closets, but silly girl pride kills more than Aids lately."
I said, "Come on, I thought it over. I don't wanna die here. I have no desire to get m♥rried."
Every night I pray for you, don't believe in heaven or that it could be a happy place.
I'm taking a taxi to Kentucky where they don't even know all about me. I just need to feel s a f e.
I've got a thousand sweaters, and shoes, and paintings to hide the skeletons in my way.
But he said, "Slow down, slow down. Think it over, we've all got wretched closets, but silly girl pride kills more than Aids lately."
I said, "Come on, I thought it over. I don't wanna die here. I have no desire to get m♥rried."
Every night I pray for you, don't believe in heaven or that it could be a happy place.
#7
- sushi luver *
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 897
- Joined: 28-March 09
Posted 05 October 2009 - 09:13 PM
To me, I think living together before marriage is an advantage. Not only because you can get to know your spouse before actually marrying them, but just a glimpse of what it's like in the "two people world" or Honeymoon phase. See if couples are really IN love, and by that, it means being with them 24/7, eating, sleeping, cleaning, and how to adapt to each others lifestyles.. (eating dinner later, waking up early to cook breakfast).. it helps people see if they are truly ready for marriage. Also I also think it's a good side, for those that have never lived on their own, have been with their parents since birth, to see if they have grown up and can take care of themselves as well the responsibility to care for another person.
and if things happen such as "being too annoyed, fights, possibly stolen items.. its best for that to have happened than before it's too late.
For me, me and my boyfriend want to live together, but that wont happen anytime soon. we still have school, were not funded (no work, still rely on parents sometimes)
and if things happen such as "being too annoyed, fights, possibly stolen items.. its best for that to have happened than before it's too late.
For me, me and my boyfriend want to live together, but that wont happen anytime soon. we still have school, were not funded (no work, still rely on parents sometimes)
#8
- photography junkie
-
- Group: Friends of Soompi
- Posts: 6,320
- Joined: 12-October 05
Posted 05 October 2009 - 09:32 PM
Even though it kind of goes against my beliefs as a Christian, I think it's good to move in before marriage to get to know each other better too. I'd much rather find out that the guy's not someone I want to live with for the rest of my life before I say "I do."
#9
- The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 2,972
- Joined: 08-October 05
Posted 06 October 2009 - 01:45 AM
Would I like to live with my boyfriend before I marry him? Of course I would - I would learn a lot about him.
Do I have to? Absolutely not.
I think if a couple is ready to get married, it shouldn't matter whether he leaves the toilet seat up, it shouldn't matter if he snores, it shouldn't matter if he's messy because if you truly love that person then you should be able to work together to solve these problems. Couples that end up getting a divorce and say it's because they didn't live together beforehand shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. They didn't get a divorce because they didn't learn about their habits before getting married, they got a divorce because they weren't willing to compromise and change for their partners.
Do I have to? Absolutely not.
I think if a couple is ready to get married, it shouldn't matter whether he leaves the toilet seat up, it shouldn't matter if he snores, it shouldn't matter if he's messy because if you truly love that person then you should be able to work together to solve these problems. Couples that end up getting a divorce and say it's because they didn't live together beforehand shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. They didn't get a divorce because they didn't learn about their habits before getting married, they got a divorce because they weren't willing to compromise and change for their partners.
#10
- little miss trouble
-
- Group: News Team
- Posts: 5,965
- Joined: 06-October 05
Posted 06 October 2009 - 06:37 AM
it could be beneficial in that you can see that person in their "off" mode.
but, i have a feeling that a lot of people live together for months or years before getting married, but still divorce.
the divorce is going to come probably out of a lot of small things that build up.
but, i have a feeling that a lot of people live together for months or years before getting married, but still divorce.
the divorce is going to come probably out of a lot of small things that build up.
i write an important thing, and do not let's finish. a way of writing for freedom.
#11
- Member
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 7,298
- Joined: 04-October 05
Posted 06 October 2009 - 07:14 AM
Besides my belief on issue like this, I don't believe that living together before marriage is beneficial. If you like numbers (we like numbers, right? 
), then statsically, people who live together before marriage have a higher chance of divorcing, a higher chance of being murder by their lover, a higher chance of being abuse, more negative communication in marriage, a lower level of satisfaction, and a lower levels of male commitment to spouse. I don't believe in marriage myth: living together before marriage and test how well are you "suited" for each other. Even those who have done studies on this don't support it.
My 2 cent.
), then statsically, people who live together before marriage have a higher chance of divorcing, a higher chance of being murder by their lover, a higher chance of being abuse, more negative communication in marriage, a lower level of satisfaction, and a lower levels of male commitment to spouse. I don't believe in marriage myth: living together before marriage and test how well are you "suited" for each other. Even those who have done studies on this don't support it.My 2 cent.
#12
- Apathetic
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 5,420
- Joined: 05-October 05
Posted 06 October 2009 - 11:22 AM
If the relationship isn't lacking in fundamentals like trust, respect, cooperation and dedication it won't really matter if you live together first or not.
#13
- Star of the County Down
-
- Group: Friends of Soompi
- Posts: 1,243
- Joined: 04-October 05
Posted 06 October 2009 - 11:36 AM
I am against it as well. Just a few have stated before me, there are studies out there and show that couples who lived together before marriage have a higher divorce rate than those that do not. That says something to me.
My sister met a guy, dated him for over 5 years, and they moved in together after 2 years. They even moved across the US together. My sister had a decent job, so her boyfriend decided that he didnt need to work or help out with anything. He even admitted that he didnt want to get married to her because he was getting everything he needed with no commitment. They broke up.
I agree that most couples do not really get to know one another, but not in the same areas that most would think. Most relationships seem to start based on that initial attraction, which is usually physical. As time goes on they start to get to know one another based on other aspect such as character. They dont bring up the important issues until way into the relationship. Everyone has certain areas that they are willing to compromise on and areas that they are not. But since we dont tend to talk about this sort of stuff until we have known someone for quite a while, if we find they differ on the non compromising issues, it is really hard to break it off. My personal belief is that dating for any other reason other than to find a potential mate is silly. I think you need to find someone that you are compatible with. And when you go in with that mindset, you start things off very differently. Instead of focusing on the things that dont matter, you focus on the things that do.
I sound like an harmony ad. Haha.
My sister met a guy, dated him for over 5 years, and they moved in together after 2 years. They even moved across the US together. My sister had a decent job, so her boyfriend decided that he didnt need to work or help out with anything. He even admitted that he didnt want to get married to her because he was getting everything he needed with no commitment. They broke up.
I agree that most couples do not really get to know one another, but not in the same areas that most would think. Most relationships seem to start based on that initial attraction, which is usually physical. As time goes on they start to get to know one another based on other aspect such as character. They dont bring up the important issues until way into the relationship. Everyone has certain areas that they are willing to compromise on and areas that they are not. But since we dont tend to talk about this sort of stuff until we have known someone for quite a while, if we find they differ on the non compromising issues, it is really hard to break it off. My personal belief is that dating for any other reason other than to find a potential mate is silly. I think you need to find someone that you are compatible with. And when you go in with that mindset, you start things off very differently. Instead of focusing on the things that dont matter, you focus on the things that do.
I sound like an harmony ad. Haha.
"I fear God, and therefore there is none else that I need fear." ~Col. James Gardiner
#14
- Apathetic
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 5,420
- Joined: 05-October 05
Posted 06 October 2009 - 11:39 AM
QUOTE (emmaliclious @ Oct 6 2009, 01:36 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I am against it as well. Just a few have stated before me, there are studies out there and show that couples who lived together before marriage have a higher divorce rate than those that do not. That says something to me.
My sister met a guy, dated him for over 5 years, and they moved in together after 2 years. They even moved across the US together. My sister had a decent job, so her boyfriend decided that he didnt need to work or help out with anything. He even admitted that he didnt want to get married to her because he was getting everything he needed with no commitment. They broke up.
I agree that most couples do not really get to know one another, but not in the same areas that most would think. Most relationships seem to start based on that initial attraction, which is usually physical. As time goes on they start to get to know one another based on other aspect such as character. They dont bring up the important issues until way into the relationship. Everyone has certain areas that they are willing to compromise on and areas that they are not. But since we dont tend to talk about this sort of stuff until we have known someone for quite a while, if we find they differ on the non compromising issues, it is really hard to break it off. My personal belief is that dating for any other reason other than to find a potential mate is silly. I think you need to find someone that you are compatible with. And when you go in with that mindset, you start things off very differently. Instead of focusing on the things that dont matter, you focus on the things that do.
I sound like an harmony ad. Haha.
My sister met a guy, dated him for over 5 years, and they moved in together after 2 years. They even moved across the US together. My sister had a decent job, so her boyfriend decided that he didnt need to work or help out with anything. He even admitted that he didnt want to get married to her because he was getting everything he needed with no commitment. They broke up.
I agree that most couples do not really get to know one another, but not in the same areas that most would think. Most relationships seem to start based on that initial attraction, which is usually physical. As time goes on they start to get to know one another based on other aspect such as character. They dont bring up the important issues until way into the relationship. Everyone has certain areas that they are willing to compromise on and areas that they are not. But since we dont tend to talk about this sort of stuff until we have known someone for quite a while, if we find they differ on the non compromising issues, it is really hard to break it off. My personal belief is that dating for any other reason other than to find a potential mate is silly. I think you need to find someone that you are compatible with. And when you go in with that mindset, you start things off very differently. Instead of focusing on the things that dont matter, you focus on the things that do.
I sound like an harmony ad. Haha.
Not divorcing is not an indication of the [good] quality of the marriage.
#16
- Membrane
-
- Group: Friends of Soompi
- Posts: 989
- Joined: 04-October 05
Posted 06 October 2009 - 03:36 PM
QUOTE
He even admitted that he didnt want to get married to her because he was getting everything he needed with no commitment. They broke up.
This is the key issue of this discussion imo. Other than any symbolic gestures, what incentive would be there to marry when living together yields the same quality of life?
Living together is not a commitment, it is mainly testing waters. Unfortunately, the test sometimes last a little too long and causes many relationships to fizzle. Ladies, get your blokes to marry you first.
#17
- Member
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 179
- Joined: 17-June 08
Posted 06 October 2009 - 10:44 PM
In my opinion, living together before marriage has nothing to do with it. After all it's a piece of paper. Does having a ceremony, signing a piece of paper, and taking someone's last name (or them taking yours) mean you love the person more or take your commitment to that person more seriously? And please keep in mind this is a general question and not directed to anyone in particular. More of a question to think about. This is a bit off topic but back in the day the divorce percentage wasn't as high because people thought it was taboo or something to be ashamed of. Not because people knew how to handle their marriage better.
#18
- Member
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 2,660
- Joined: 04-October 05
Posted 07 October 2009 - 12:08 AM
I don't think I would ever marry someone, before living with them first.
I live with my fiance, but our circumstance is a little different, since we started living together pretty much from the start of our relationship. We didn't intend to live with each other when we first started dating, it's just ended up that way since my mom got angry with me and kicked me out of the house, so I lived with him and his friends and...well it worked out well for us so we kept living together lol.
But, throughout that time we have learned so much about one another. I know him like the back of my hand. There were things I had to get adjusted oo, but because we weren't married there wasnt a lot of pressure, if I couldn't learn to adapt to his habits, I could move on. Thankfully, we mesh very well together, we had to make changes but we made changes together and they were all pretty minor.
But neither of us our religious. I am not preaching to anyone saying you must live with one another before marriage, I just can't imagine committing myself to a marriage if i don't know my partner damn near as well as I know myself.
I live with my fiance, but our circumstance is a little different, since we started living together pretty much from the start of our relationship. We didn't intend to live with each other when we first started dating, it's just ended up that way since my mom got angry with me and kicked me out of the house, so I lived with him and his friends and...well it worked out well for us so we kept living together lol.
But, throughout that time we have learned so much about one another. I know him like the back of my hand. There were things I had to get adjusted oo, but because we weren't married there wasnt a lot of pressure, if I couldn't learn to adapt to his habits, I could move on. Thankfully, we mesh very well together, we had to make changes but we made changes together and they were all pretty minor.
But neither of us our religious. I am not preaching to anyone saying you must live with one another before marriage, I just can't imagine committing myself to a marriage if i don't know my partner damn near as well as I know myself.
♥ September 18th, 2010 ♥
#19
- Member
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 7,212
- Joined: 10-September 07
Posted 07 October 2009 - 12:15 AM
I believe living together before marriage is beneficial for the relationship.
My gf and I decided to get be married together before we moved in together. So far its been great, more ups and hardly any downs.
I recommend it to everyone because its something more to learn about your s/o.
My gf and I decided to get be married together before we moved in together. So far its been great, more ups and hardly any downs.
I recommend it to everyone because its something more to learn about your s/o.
#20
- 【愛してる~★】
-
- Group: Members
- Posts: 44
- Joined: 29-April 09
Posted 07 October 2009 - 03:36 AM
QUOTE (My Sweet September @ Oct 7 2009, 07:08 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I don't think I would ever marry someone, before living with them first.
I live with my fiance, but our circumstance is a little different, since we started living together pretty much from the start of our relationship. We didn't intend to live with each other when we first started dating, it's just ended up that way since my mom got angry with me and kicked me out of the house, so I lived with him and his friends and...well it worked out well for us so we kept living together lol.
But, throughout that time we have learned so much about one another. I know him like the back of my hand. There were things I had to get adjusted oo, but because we weren't married there wasnt a lot of pressure, if I couldn't learn to adapt to his habits, I could move on. Thankfully, we mesh very well together, we had to make changes but we made changes together and they were all pretty minor.
But neither of us our religious. I am not preaching to anyone saying you must live with one another before marriage, I just can't imagine committing myself to a marriage if i don't know my partner damn near as well as I know myself.
I live with my fiance, but our circumstance is a little different, since we started living together pretty much from the start of our relationship. We didn't intend to live with each other when we first started dating, it's just ended up that way since my mom got angry with me and kicked me out of the house, so I lived with him and his friends and...well it worked out well for us so we kept living together lol.
But, throughout that time we have learned so much about one another. I know him like the back of my hand. There were things I had to get adjusted oo, but because we weren't married there wasnt a lot of pressure, if I couldn't learn to adapt to his habits, I could move on. Thankfully, we mesh very well together, we had to make changes but we made changes together and they were all pretty minor.
But neither of us our religious. I am not preaching to anyone saying you must live with one another before marriage, I just can't imagine committing myself to a marriage if i don't know my partner damn near as well as I know myself.
totally agree with ya.
