[j.adore]

I didn't know if I should put this here or in Love&Relationship... but I sort of wanted feedback from this age group than the majority who seem to be in love&relationship these days...

My roommate and I are very different, starting from how we grew up and our lifestyle now. To be very honest, I have never had problems with money growing up... because of how I grew up and the people I grew up around, I never really had to think much about money because everyone around me was in similar situations. As I grew up, I always got what I wanted and I guess looking back, I have been very spoiled. And I am an international student (technically) so my lifestyle is very different from my roommate. My roommate isn't necessarily poor but just the way her and I spend money is very different. And because of that I don't feel very comfortable when I go out to shop with her... with some of the friends I have known since I was in Korea, we can go shopping here and I don't feel the need to hold back on anything if I want to buy something. But with my roommate, I get conscious because I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable and she has commented before on how I spend too much money... (she said "돈지랄" to be more specific but I can't really translate that to English very well) she just has commented about how I sort of waste money on things I don't need. Like yesterday, we went shopping together and I bought a Balanciaga bag that I have been wanting for a while. I know they are not cheap but it's something I've been wanting and it's not like I don't use the bag efficiently. I got my parent's permission to buy the bag and I just don't need her nagging me about it when my parents don't say anything... I thought about just not going shopping with her but she doesn't have a car so she always has to go with me to go shopping.

Or if we go grocery shopping, I honestly don't mind paying a little more for getting organic/natural things because I try to eat more healthy. And honestly, I really don't mind paying more than her for grocery since I am the one that always wants things. But she won't let me and I know it makes her really uncomfortable to be paying that much for groceries... so I try my best to limit things on what I buy and we have our own refrigerator in our rooms for things we want personally, so to me, I feel like I am trying my hardest to be considerate... even though she may not feel like it, but I just feel like our relationship has been going down hill because of these issues.

Even if i feel like I am trying, she always makes these comments about my lifestyle and the unnecessary "luxury" I enjoy in my life. But to me, it's just really how I grew up. How should I talk about this with her, so that we can keep our friendship while being roomates for this whole year??

[dahmanegi800]

Just be upfront. Frankly, I agree with your friend that you shouldn't be spending your parents money on luxuries, but neither of us really have the right to tell you how to spend it. You said you guys grew up differently so try to understand where she is coming from too. People who don't really have the benefit to spend freely mainly do so out of caution, and caution usually is a preventative measure of hurting ones' self. So think of it as her, in her own way, trying to protect you. Obviously I don't know the whole situation, but the only way you guys are going to maintain your friendship is by communicating. Let her know how you feel, and don't jump to conclusions when she tells you how she feels.

[lhkim85]

I think it's pretty rude of your roommate to comment on such things. It's really none of her business how you spend your money, as long as you're keeping up your part of the rent, bills, etc. I would tell her as gently as possible that I appreciate the concern, but it makes me uncomfortable when she comments on my spending.

[nanshi]

(I agree with the other two, so here are my suggestions aside from what they've said)...

Or just do the non-confrontational thing... stop spending money around her! I know she depends on your for your shopping excursions, but that doesn't mean you HAVE to buy things together, right? Go shopping with her and just don't whip out the plastic around her. Tell her something like, "I'll have to think about it for awhile..." and then drop her off at home and go buy it again later some other time. If time is scarce and you can't afford to do that, then I'm sorry -- but you'll just have to deal with it, I suppose.

As for the groceries (this is what I'd be more concerned about, really)... um... maybe make a trip to two grocery stores instead of the usually "organic food" type that you go to? Go to a regular supermarket and buy something like Oreos or orange juice or something (and say "Oh, I'm just really craving Oreos this week" just so you can give her a little face as to why you're going to a regular supermarket) while she gets her produce and then when you end up going to the more upscale place, she won't feel compelled to buy anything cause she's already bought stuff and you can buy your own produce. You can always find [an excuse to buy] SOMETHING at a supermarket.

And honestly, just try and think of where she's coming from. Maybe she's jealous (I sure am!) or maybe she just honestly doesn't get it. Some people really are like that-- they don't understand the fine difference between thousand-count Egyptian cotton and ... cheap linens from Kmart (I love Kmart, so no offense intended). Some people don't see why you have to spend $2000 on a Prada bag when it's more practical to buy a messenger bag from Old Navy for $30. So... I get it, but you might just have to grit your teeth and bear it. Hopefully your roommate won't be the stubborn type and not keep on going on about it, cause if that's the case... well, just avoid talking and spending money around her then, right?

[love]

^ your way works, but i think it'll be an inconvenience to the poster since she'll have to make two trips for everything.

i don't think your roommate has the right to comment on your spending habits. some people can afford it and some can't. your roommate is probably just jealous that you (or your parents) can afford luxurious goods when she can only afford the necessities. so your spending habit is probably just an eyesore to her.

maybe you can purchase the stuff when you're roommate isn't looking? like when you go grocery shopping, buy the organic produce when you're roommate is in a different aisle.

are you guys sharing the groceries and just splitting the bill? since you both eat differently, you should just buy your own groceries.

about shopping, you could always stop going shopping with her or at least don't go shopping with her when you plan to purchase expensive items. if you don't want your roommate to know that you went shopping without her, you can always leave the items in your trunk and sneak it in the house when your roommate isn't there.

[HSuke]

Just be upfront. Frankly, I agree with your friend that you shouldn't be spending your parents money on luxuries, but neither of us really have the right to tell you how to spend it. You said you guys grew up differently so try to understand where she is coming from too. People who don't really have the benefit to spend freely mainly do so out of caution, and caution usually is a preventative measure of hurting ones' self. So think of it as her, in her own way, trying to protect you. Obviously I don't know the whole situation, but the only way you guys are going to maintain your friendship is by communicating. Let her know how you feel, and don't jump to conclusions when she tells you how she feels.

Yeah, this might work.

And when you discuss about it, just be open to anything else she brings up. There may be other factors she's annoyed about. In any case, she shouldn't be nagging about your spending habits as long as you don't provoke her. If you think she's otherwise a good friend, you might want to buy her a nice gift she's secretly wanting all this time but couldn't afford.

[erure]

Wow 돈지랄 is kind of offensive. I don't know, I'd be pretty mad if someone commented like that about my lifestyle. It's hard to be friends with people when you're on different spending levels. Anyway just let her know that you don't appreciate the comments, but do try to understand her side as well. She's probably jealous of you.

[j.adore]

Yeah I guess I should talk to her first and then come up with solutions after that.... i just hate hate confrontations... ahh
Thanks everyone!! I'll post again after I have a talk with her!

[BoAFreakVer.300]

Just skip a step and move out if you can since it seems you can afford to. Oil never mixes with water and it looks like you don't really want to change your ways and your roommate doesn't seem willing to suppress their growing animosity toward your lifestyle.

[mofo]

^

that is true. if money is not an issue for u than why do u need a roommate?

ur roommate has no tact for constantly bringing up money issues. u two are from two different worlds and there is no compromise in her. its time to live by urself.

[shotamerican]

hrmm. i'll be honest, i've said similar things to a roommate of mine in the past -- but that was because she was in how much debt (we're talking thousands) already with her credit cards, spending money she didn't have! i was worried.

but if your roommate knows you can afford that stuff, and still makes comments about it, i think it's mostly just jealously, not worry. but i'd just talk to her about it just to be sure. and if it continues, iunno man. i would just not go shopping with her. and i wouldn't opt to pay for her groceries, either. cause it might be offensive to her. but don't you go to stores that sell both organic and non-organic food? is it difficult to separate which items are yours and which are hers?

if you both cook for each other every now and then, then the money (as well as the thought) gets exchanged in the end, anyways.

but don't feel guilty for your lifestyle if you are being smart about things!

[theedqueen]

hmm I think I've had a similar situation, except I was the "poor" roommate and I think you're better than my "rich" roommate.

From what I understand, your roommate is being a bit rude by commenting on your spending habits. As long as you're paying your half of the bills and you have permission from your parents to spend the money the way you want to, I don't see why it should bother her. I would just confront her about it if it's been getting to be so uncomfortable for you as it has. Granted, it might make things more uncomfortable since I get the feeling that your roommate is feeling a bit disgruntled about the fact that she doesn't have the same financial stability as you. For the grocery shopping things, do you guys share food? Because you should totally separate the food you buy, so that if you want to buy the more expensive stuff you can and if she wants to buy the less costly stuff she can. As long as you guys don't touch each others food, it should be okay. And that goes for anything money wise. You have your things, she has her things. As long as you're not rubbing things in her face or either one of you is asking the other to spend more money than the other should, the other doesn't have the right to complain.

Dont read this if you want to, but this was my story:
Like I said, I had a rich/poor roommate situation, so I can see where your roommate is coming from, but at the same time you seem to be different from my rich roommate. My rich roommate LOVED buying clothes. She had so much clothes that her drawers always got stuck because clothes fell behind the drawers when they got too filled up. I actually let her borrow one of the drawers on my side b/c I had space and hers were overflowing. And when I went with her to visit her house one weekend, she still had A LOT of clothes in her closet. She didn't get a job the year I was living with her, so she was spending her parents' money. She actually told me that I never spend money on clothes even though I had a job. Both her parents were doctors, yet she was always worrying about money for them since they spent it on her tuition and for other expenses related to herself and her siblings. So I was always confused as to how she so willingly spent money on clothes, yet worried about how much her parents had. Also, since she grew up wealthy, she was always willing to share stuff. I'm not a stingy person, I share what I have if I can. But she was always trying to get me to spend more just so I could share (for example buying Costco packs of drinks). Also, last Christmas I suggested we set a price limit so that none of us are spending too much money on each other (one of our friends is also really poor) and she thought I was being really stingy and got offended. She knew I had a job and had just bought something I had been saving up for, so I should have enough money to buy her a gift. I was annoyed since I worked really hard to save up that money and I don't work just so I can buy my friends gifts. Anyways, that's her mentality and I don't think I can ever agree with her on that.

[chickpeas]

How you choose to spend your money is nobody's business but your own. It's unfortunate that she has a problem with it, but that's her problem, not yours. Next time she "nags" at you. I would just let her know you appreciate her concern but you're fine the way you are. You don't owe her any explanation nor you need to justify your spending habits to her.

[Temoin la Nuit]

You shouldn't be splitting groceries when you have such a difference in eating habits, anyways.

I know I'd go crazy if I roomed with someone who both (1) insisted on eating organic/natural Wholefoody things and (2) expected me to pay for part of their 400% marked up foods.

Your roommate is probably out of line in commenting on you, but in her position, I probably wouldn't hang out with someone from a completely different background and economic mindset. It's asking for trouble. Just because you're paying money to share a flat with someone doesn't' mean you have to be their friend.

From experience, I'll say that dealing with someone who doesn't spend/make their own money is intolerable, though. When in gratuitous amounts, more so.

[LennyRin]

Hm.. i would just confront her about it too..

a few years ago i had a korean roommate who was the same way as you =] ... she came from a well off family so she never worried about buying food and what not.. we didnt go shopping together or anything but i did notice how she could always afford by buy luxurious things .. which.. idk.. i didnt take offence to it or would comment on it as wasting money..

with my roommate now, sometimes i notice that she goes out to eat a lot more than i do and when it comes time to pay bills she might be short on money and all.. i dont point specific things out to her but i do mention that she has to watch what she spends her money on and what not.. we have the same background and grew up with similar financial issues .. But thats just rude how your roommate does that to you... if you can afford things or have been waiting and saving up to buy something then go ahead and buy it =] im like that too.. even if i might not really need it... lol.. but yeah..

if she makes it an issue just tell her that she shouldnt worry about your finances and focus on her own.. if you are willing to pay for your food then it shouldnt be a big deal..

[Laxntiga]

Dude, if she can't hang with ya... you have the money, just move out.

You are telling us you need to live the way you need to live, and you're uncomfortable because someone else can't afford to live the way YOU do.

If that's the case, either you have to live to some-what-near her standards or she has to start making more money and spend it so she doesn't feel like she's hampering you.

It sounds like you're well off enough you can just live by yourself, you have a car, an apt, oodles of money to go shopping, just move out. If you want to "help" her either you have to lower your standards to live with her, or she has to raise hers.


You telling her you grew up wealthy with a silver spoon in your mouth and you can't help but just "not worrying" about cash is NOT going to make sense to another person who didn't grow up like you/can sustain the life style like you.
She could even take it the wrong way and think you're trying to brag.

I had a similar problem with a previous roomate. He thought it was ok spending all his money on clubbing, partying and girls, before rent is due. It irked me that he brought home girls from clubs knowing he's going to say "oh dude, so sorry, but can I pay the rent next week?". To him, it made complete sense. To me.... I'm the one who couldn't go out because I needed to front him his portion of the rent.

They will always think you're crazy or spoiled, add in jealousy too. It's only natural, you LIVE with her, she see's your Balencia whatever bag EVERYDAY. You don't think she want's those things? I'm not a very materialistic person, so I can just get by, but even I get jealous every once in a while of my friend's cars.

[colloquy]

Your spending habits should be no problem to her, unless it somehow infringes upon her living condition. I personally never have gotten too upset about somebody else's spending habits unless they're spending something they don't have. I'm someone that saves a lot, spends a little and I have about 40k in my savings after two paid internships. However, I've probably become more accustomed to the lifestyle of the rich after going to a prep school, and also the Japanese side of my family also has lots of money.

Still, I've retired from being green with envy of what material possessions other people may have the fortune to have. Be grateful for what you already have. Your roommate is jealous and probably insecure about her own financial status, so I'd do my best to work around her schedule whenever I shop. But, still, I don't think you should go out of the way of your spending habits just because she feels jealous.

As for groceries, you probably should be a little bit more accommodating, or just say that you'll pay for your own groceries, and she'll pay for her own. I'd actually suggest moving out, do you actually like having a roommate? I've always disliked it, ha.

[Laxntiga]

Your spending habits should be no problem to her, unless it somehow infringes upon her living condition. I personally never have gotten too upset about somebody else's spending habits unless they're spending something they don't have. I'm someone that saves a lot, spends a little and I have about 40k in my savings after two paid internships. However, I've probably become more accustomed to the lifestyle of the rich after going to a prep school, and also the Japanese side of my family also has lots of money.

Still, I've retired from being green with envy of what material possessions other people may have the fortune to have. Be grateful for what you already have. Your roommate is jealous and probably insecure about her own financial status, so I'd do my best to work around her schedule whenever I shop. But, still, I don't think you should go out of the way of your spending habits just because she feels jealous.

As for groceries, you probably should be a little bit more accommodating, or just say that you'll pay for your own groceries, and she'll pay for her own. I'd actually suggest moving out, do you actually like having a roommate? I've always disliked it, ha.

40k in savings from 2 internships? What kind of internships were these?!!
I'm not good at saving, I know I should. I tend to just save whatever is left over.

My current job can maintain my lifestyle (not lavish by all means), so I said to myself, saving a few hundred here and a few hundred there.... it's not worth it. My reasoning is, me saving these dollars now... only a few hundred a month, what's the point? I'll never really amass real money, so I might as well maximize my utility by spending it. Spend it by going out and networking, on my hobbies, on things I want to eat/drink, gifts for friends, etc.

Grew up poor, found out parents were loaded, then gone broke again because they invested in real estate before '08.
Never really "lived it up", I don't really find a reason to. Instead of living comfortably, I say pursue your passions. I want to leave my mark on this world before I kick the bucket.

[colloquy]

40k in savings from 2 internships? What kind of internships were these?!!

Chemical Engineering. $30/hr, but I worked for 6 days a week, for about 8 to 9 hours, and they would wake me up at weird hours at times... like 3 in the morning. I think only about $35k is from the actual internships, the other money is from my uncle that I got from bonds, plus holiday money.

[j.adore]

Hello everyone!
Thanks for your inputs-

I talked through it without my roommate and she apologized for her negative comments. But at the same time, it was a problem when I bought grocieres from wholefoods without consulting her... then I just said I'll pay for it and that offended her and made her feel like I was dismissing her financial situations. So both of us are going to try to be careful about what we say,and try to work it out. If things don't work out this semester, I'm going to move out. I just hate living alone because I get lonely a lot... but I guess if things don't work out, I dont want to lose the friendship...

I have another question. Her birthday is coming up in November. Would it a problem/offensive if I got her a present that she normally wouldn't get? When we went shopping, she tried on these truereligion jeans that looked really good on her... but she didn't buy it. Would it be a good idea to get her that? I normally would have but since I talked with her, I don't know if I should... or she really likes the keychain I have, can I get her something similar to that? Or maybe something from coach or juicy couture?? If not, other ideas about what I should get her without her feeling like I'm bragging?

I think this experience has really been a good experience... I guess I just never really thought about my spending habits before because all my previous roommates spent as much as I did... anyway thanks guys! =)