[twix0rz]

Get more solid evidence. First tell your brother and go from there. If you are 100% sure he is cheating on your mom, tell her if she hasn't figured it out. Personally i would to tell my mom and then let them handle it from there. Good luck.

[Han's_Desire]

I''ve got the same problem and you know what we did? We ignored him. We ignored him as if some kind of a shadow that when passes in front of us, we say no word. Then suddenly, he would feel being an outcast. So he will be off for a while. When he gets back, we continued ignoring him.

It's cruel and utterly difficult but i soon after, it paid. He just turned up, one day, confessing everything and all. He said how sorry he was and he would never ever do it again because he's afraid of losing his family.

It takes time.

[crappy22]

I can sort of relate to you OP. Recently i found out my dad has been cheating on my mother. I found love emails on my dads phone from another woman. Although my situation is sort of different from yours being that my mom was the one who asked me to spy on my dad. So telling her was quite easy since she was suspecting it for a while. Although it was heartbreaking on my end since i'd always dispel my mothers rumors but actually having the evidence in my hands made me sick to my stomach. But you should tell your mother, it's your best bet. I know it sounds mean but she'll find out eventually. Just be prepared for the worst, i know i have.

[JinEnjuce]

It sucks. I know it's hard, I know it's heartbreaking. Yes, it's your dad, it's your parents involved in this. But, the best thing you can do in this kind of situation is to stay out of it. If it is just a misunderstanding by you, you risk creating a problem that doesn't exist. If he is having an affair, well, that is an adult's battle. Problem is, people do fall in and out of love, regardless of whether or not they are married.

[JaCkiie]

It's like no one on Soompi can think outside of the mindset of a 15 year old kid. I never said it was okay, read, but maybe, MAYBE, just TRY for a second to try to understand this from an adults -- no, a PARENTS point of view. How about if the parent really loved their children, they wouldn't want their children being so involved in something so disgusting and heartbreaking. The child is obviously involved by default, they're part of the family, but any parent that loved their children wouldn't want the child to feel the same level of involvement and heartbreak as the mother does.
I bet if the child never had suspicions, and the father was cheating, and the mother found out, the parents wouldn't tell the child for years and years to come. Why is that? Because they don't love their child? No, because it's a god damn child for christ sake and growing up is hard enough.

Sorry to cut your post, but seriously, if parents actually truly loves their children, they wouldn't cheat in the first place. They wouldn't bring any of the suffering, heartaches and emotional scars to the family. Period.

Sure, if they're unhappy with the marriage/relationship, then file a divorce. At least have some dignity for them self and their partner and file a divorce and I'm sure the whole relationship wouldn't get messy, relationships would be maintained between the children and the parents.

And regarding the parent's POV thing. I just recently found out that my father actually had an affair previously, she didn't tell any her children (me and my two elder sisters) because she wanted to protect us from losing our respect towards him. And the outcome? Not too good. My dad cheated on my mother again - because he never learned his lesson. He didn't fear my mom, bu he feared disappointing his children, and because my sisters and I didn't find out, he ended up cheating on the family again. Back then, I also had my suspicions but I didn't act on it. I regret it now, because the only result that we have from is a seriously dysfunction emotionally scarred family.

Anyway, going back on track, I have been bonding to my mother lately and all I can say is that your mother would need you as much as you need her if your suspicions are true. My mother thought she was strong, but inside, she was breaking up inside. She sacrificed silently for the happiness of the family (though I still maintain that as a family, we struggled to find happiness), and chances are, your mother is probably suffering alone too.

[Stolen_waters]

^
I agree with you.

My parents didn't separate because of cheating, but I have an aunt who got a divorce because her husband was having an affair with his secretary/ies.
Anyway, I'm pretty close to my aunt, and she said that although she didn't want her children to get involved, she was also very thankful her children were there to help her and actually encourage her to file the divorce and and in everything else that happened after that.

Also, the OP's situation is different. It's the child who found out first that the father's cheating, so how can she just dismiss that?

[terrorist]

seriously how cruel are you.

well you know if she does tell anybody a family drama and violence is going to occur.
they might get a divorce.. which is something i don't want to encourage.

[insanelyCRAZY]

if you have enough evidence that your dad is having an affair.
i say talk to your brother about it.
and give him all evidence.
i dont think this issue will affect his study time very much so dont worry about that too much.
...if there is enough evidence that your dad IS having an affair..you AND your brother should confront your dad about it.
=/

GOOD LUCK!

[Tiggie]

I was in the same situation as you except I had evidence. I didn't tell my mother because she had health problems so I told my older brother. We tried a few things like confronting him but he denied it. He ( my dad) said to my mom " oh the kids think I'm cheating on you" and he went onto talk about how in our culture you can have more than 1 wife so what's the big deal. I told my dad " If he marries another women even if he tells my mother , I'll never love him and speak to him again." My mom really didn't care. Not all people stay together for love. I know my parents are only together for my siblings and I and also because in my culture they make divorce seem like some kind of sin. Even till this day I stopped caring and my relationship with my father has been wounded. I use to love him more than anything in the world but it all changed because of the things he did and I heard. Whatever he does is his concern, he raised me and was the best father so I thank him for that. My advice to you would be don't say anything until you're 100% sure. If you are tell your brother after exams. I didn't tell my mom because I know her and my dad wouldn't split or re-marry and they're pretty old and don't care care about being in a marriage for love but more for stability. In the end what you is up to you but no matter what anyone says or what happens YOU NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT SO DON'T EVER THINK IT IS. To the people who are saying " how cruel are you?" or " you tell your mother, what's wrong with you?" Seriously if you haven't been in this type of situation then please don't make such comments because when I found out my dad was cheating my marks went down and I became depressed. I could never imagine telling my mom because I knew I didn't have the courage to do that. But I can say I love my mom even more than before and I tell her that each and every day. Honestly I can say this part of my life made me a stronger person and made me realize some very important things. If something does happen I know I'll stand by my mother's side and you should do the same because she'll need you more than ever. Good luck & God bless.

[violet2k]

I think you should confront your dad first. Gauge his reaction and see how he responds. If he doesn't sound believing or gets defensive, talk to your brother next. Maybe he thinks the same way you do? Once you guys have discussed it and both agree that something is up with your father, you should tell your mom about this. The longer you keep it from her, the more she'll be hurt in the end.

[love]

don't freak out over one phone call. Gather more evidence...
It could be one of his family members, or an old friend. Whatever happened to giving the benefit of the doubt?

agreed.

maybe you could confront your dad and be like "i heard you talking on the phone late at night. who was that?" and see what he has to say.

[nghister]

I'm pretty confused why some people are telling her to leave it alone and NOT be concerned or try to find out more information. How can she just leave this situation alone? It's HER dad and this is her family. If her dad is cheating, then it affects everyone, not just her mom. Affairs affect the whole family, so everyone in the family should have a say in the matter.

I say, wait and see if there are more evidence, but don't put all your time and effort in. Since your older brother is still testing, I guess you will have to deal with this on your own for a while.. If you can find more concrete evidence and there's no uncertainty, I suggest you collect the evidence and talk them over with your dad. If he refuses, you might have to get your mom involved.

[hiswendy]

^ THANK YOU.

(except we disagree on what she should do upon finding concrete evidence xD)
tell your brother so that you and him can think this through together.
since you are a family, this is your business. if your parents have a fall out, it's you that will be affected. so i say talk to your brother since you seem very uncertain yourself. if you have to wait until he's done his exams, then wait. this way, the pressure's not just on you alone and you can share this information with someone else. if you both decide it's best to tell your mother, then she has the right to know. what if she just never gets the chance to learn of his infidelity, should she just stay in the dark? what she doesn't know won't hurt her? well if, let's say, your dad suddenly has a change of heart towards her and leaves and she didn't even figure out why exactly (maybe just had a hunch) then you've left her on the lurch. it's your family, you found out, you should talk this out with them. then maybe after talking to your mother, she and your father can settle the matter.

[Map_The_Soul]

Just leave it alone...If your family is living "happily" as it is...don't disturb it..even if your dad is cheating on your mom...it's best to keep the peace in the household and let them handle it themselves someday.

@ Nghister: because it affects her and the entire family is the reason why she should leave it alone..no need to cause trouble for the family..if nobody knows about it, nobody is hurt...yet. Sorry, but doing something as stupid as meddling with such a thing could lead to disastrous, unpredictable results...i.e. a long, hard divorce, custody battles, someone going crazy...etc...

The least I would do in this situation is investigate more and make sure I know what I'm talking about. The next step is to shut up and not say anything until you find it absolutely necessary...Like if your dad all of a sudden doesn't come home anymore for 5 days a week or he goes missing....

The only, and ONLY good reason imo, that you have for telling your mom is that if your dad is having sex with the other woman...and still having sex with your mother ( although I doubt you would know that)..because there's a good chance he could contract an STI from her and pass it on to your mother.

[sirce]

I read all the responses and I have to say that a lot of them are coming because of their own experience. So I'm trying to be a bit more neutral. All I can say is this:

1. Gather more evidence. (Unlike some, I know I could not handle the 'perhaps'. And the op seems kind of confused/sad/insecure about this. In this case 'knowing' might be best.)

2. Try and see how the circumstances are. Can the mother take it? Is the mother suspicious already? Perhaps the mother knows and decided not to act upon it. Maybe you are not the only one who knows in the family. Try to delicately ask your mother and brother about the cheating or even cheating in general to get some useful response.
Then decide if to tell. (If you are sure you cannot keep the secret by yourself, tell your brother.)

If so:

3. Tell your brother (definately not the younger one). I was wondering if I should write this, because I think that always telling the truth is not always the best. However, your brother might know more about the situation and now there are 2 to share the burden. I know I would want to know if my sibling knew it.

4. Then, decide what you will do: confront the father (and tell him to stop) or tell the mother (so she can make a decision about the marriage) or do nothing. I also included nothing, because telling either one of them will speed up some action, and in the heat of fighting, sometimes not the one you like (aka divorce), but if you think your father will definately not want to lose your family it can make him stop.

Frankly, every decision has pros and cons, but it depends on your circumstances how it will turn out.

[Smelly Tofu]

the situation happen to me too...and he blames everything on me...i would not marry ever

I came forward and told my mum...becuase one thing we should all realise my mum and I are both woman...I have the obligation to tell her when something is wrong...that she is cheated...she found out and went psycho about the whole situation

I told her and my dad apologise to her, when no one is around he blames everything on me and nowaday he still talk to the other woman...

I don't give a sh!t anymore...my family is stuffed...I'm moving out of this house

[캐띠]

Okay first of all just because she's 16 it doesn't make her any less intelligent.

I don't know why people keep saying you shouldn't speak up about this because it will cause drama. OF COURSE IT WILL CAUSE DRAMA and everyone has a right to know the truth. Avoiding drama is usually best but in this situation it is NOT. Just try to watch your dad's actions and wait and find more evidence and once your brother is done testing you should tell him. After that you guys should discuss it and maybe ask your mom first if she thinks your dad has been acting weird? Or ask your dad some things you find out about him like ask who he called and say you accidentally picked up and heard him talking. I think a family conference would help but jeez it is completely your business -__- Whoever is saying that it's not isn't really giving you the best advice. It might not be big for them because maybe their family doesn't function the same way as yours. Obviously you're concerned and this isn't something you should just leave alone and wait to get worse. If he's cheating, the longer he goes on with that the worse and more hurt your mom will be. So for the sake of family you have to tell. If it's really something bad, convince your parents to trust each other again but if they want to take their separate ways, unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about it.

Sorry if this is long.

[bbobbo*]

It's not your business, as much as you feel like it might be. It's not your place to go snooping around and telling your parents anything, leave it alone. Even if he is having an affair it's none of your business. You're a child and they're adults, let them take care of it. Nothing you could possibly say or do would end positively.

Yeah, and if her dad is really having an affair and the rest of the family finds out she knew or had suspicisons about it the whole time and didn't tell them, people could get more hurt. No matter what happens, if she says anything or not in the long run it will not end positively when the truth comes out. (if it is the truth).

Before you mention anything I would make sure he is really having an affair. Real evidence.

[lychi]

Well what happens to your family really depends on how your parents are. I know three different situations in which the father had an affair.

First case: My case.
My father had an affair when I was four. My parents' marriage wasn't going well either way so they divorced when I was four. It didn't affect me much because my grandparents came over and raised me, and because I was really young. My father basically left my life.

Second case: My friend's case.
Her father was having an affair, she found out and confronted him. Her mom also knows about it, but they're still together because her brothers love their father very much and her mother didn't find it possible to be an independent mother. I'm not sure how the affair situation was resolved or whether he stopped.

Third Case: Friend's case 2.
Father told mother that he had an affair when he was abroad. They chose not to tell the children, but they found out but pretend that nothing is going on. They don't have a close relationship with the dad but he goes abroad most of time for business anyways. Not sure of there is a resolution.

---

It really depends on how your parents are, that would basically become the end result. I'm not sure about how to confront this situation if you're the first to discover it, and I understand that you're worried about your family's well-being. It really depends on your mom and dad and how their relationship and marriage currently is. It would probably be better if he's the one who mans up and tells your mom the truth, but there are times when they just become a coward.

I agree with others that you should wait and see if there are more actual proof that he is continuing the affair or if he maybe will just end it. This problem is a matter of the relationship between them two, and it's sometimes not up to the children to decide what will happen. I'm really not sure what to do in this situation, but it's good to have someone to confide in. Just be sure that if your mother gets hurt in the end, and you didn't tell her about it first, it's not your fault. If he really is cheating and she finally finds out, she'll feel hurt but never think that it's your fault that you didn't tell her because you also don't want her to get hurt. Just be there and support hurt if that time ever has to come.

Good luck with everything, and I hope your family will find a resolution.

[lightangel]

i have the same problem too
and as the person with the same problem like u i suggest that u SHOULD talk to ur mom ...to be honest if ur mom doesnt kno ur dad will always continued....sooner or later she's going to find out
soo no matter what in the end ur mom going to kno anyway so just tell her now when u just notice it before its too late
if ur not sure if he does have an affair or not u should still talk to ur mom
and then u and ur mom could figure it out by snooping on him

dont think that by not speaking to ur mom about it ur family is going to be "fine" no it doesnt happen that way sooner or later it will break
soo rather it be later tell her now soo u and ur mom could confirm it
and if u think he will change no ur wrong he can also break up with this woman and wait until u forget about it and do it again with another woman

i personally think ur mom have the right to kno about this even tho it might break ur family apart but its better than hurting her later if he still continued, when u wait until later it going to hurt her more
and u kno what someone on here said that if he dont sleep with the woman then dont tell ...i disagree with this becuz he is a MAN of course when ur cheating on ur wife, u would desire to sleep with someone new

why would he cheat in the first place if he doesnt desire someone younger or give him "it"

and people on here suggest that she should not snooping on him =.= imo she SHOULD
i mean how else would she kno if he really having an affair or not without snooping on him??? beside if she did snooping on him and learn that he did not then there's no more problem

if im offending anyone in anyway im sorry this is just my opinion