help!
i recently started a relationship. how do you feel about your boyfriend being friends with their exes. its not that, that bothers me, but to know that the ex still loves my bf. i understand my boyfriends side, he says they've been friends for a long time plus their families are really close. he knows how i find it hard to trust him, and i can't help feeling more anxious knowing that the ex is just out there to steal my man. what pisses me off is that the girl keeps texting about his whereabouts and ask me stuff if like he's with me and such.. arrrggg!!! she even texted me saying she didnt want to be a hypocrite and stuff and said that she wouldnt let go of my bf! they've broken up almost 2 yrs for pete's sake! i just want her to back off! i already made my boyfriend choose he wanted me or the ex, and he chose me. he says he already told the girl to let go, but she's still Fing holding on!! how do i make her back off?
your boyfriend being friends with their exes how do you feel..
#2
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Posted 03 November 2009 - 02:17 AM
you know, i was in the same position as you not too long ago, he met me whilst he was still together with his ex-girlfriend, eventually he broke up with her and got together with me.
she despised me, surprise surprise. but yeah, i was more than happy for him to remain friends with her,
though i was jealous, there wasn't really anything i could do, and plus, i didn't want to seem so... constraining?
but yeah, two months passed, and things were going great, though every now and then, she'd call him up completely drunk, or she'd text him every so often - like when she was at her school formal/dance, with something along the lines of,
"i'm at my debutant, i can't help but think what it'd be like if you were here with me instead"
and in all honesty, i was pissed off. i knew that she still had feelings for him, and i came to accept that, because i trusted him. i trusted him when he told me that he was over her. a few weeks after that text, we were talking on the phone one night, like we'd usually do, then he asked me whether or not i preferred him to stay friends with her, or just completely shut her out of his life.
i thought about it, then told him that no one deserves that kind of treatment, i told him to put himself in her shoes, how would he feel if i broke up with him, and cut off all ties with him, and plus, it wasn't as if i'd be able to stop him from doing anything he really wanted to do, or see who he really wanted to see. "it's not as if i control your life" i told him. he went silent, then asked if i was okay with him having a study group with her - just the two of them. i was surprised, surprised as to why he needed another one yet alone with her. his reasoning was that he just "couldn't study at home, it's too distracting"
i was uneasy about it, but i agreed nevertheless. like i said, i trusted him.
i gave him one condition though, "on the days you see her, i don't want you to contact me."
i guess deep down, i was hoping he'd somehow get the hint that i'm truly not happy with the whole idea.
however he didn't get it. he went silent, but then replied with a quiet "okay"
on their first study group session, everything was as planned.
he didn't contact me. and i was damn miserable. he broke up with me the next day, telling me that he 'practically cannot be bothered anymore, i'm too tired. relationships are too time consuming' and you know what? he got back together with his ex-girlfriend on the exact same day.
that surely hurt like a b*tch.
but that's what happened to me, and to be honest with you, he was an as*hole.
i don't know what kind of person your boyfriend is, so the only piece of advice i can really give you is just to be cautious, but don't be in his face. sure, be jealous. hell, tell him that you are - but just don't go too over the top.
no one likes being told what and what not to do. do not, i repeat, do not jump to conclusions. communication is the key, so talk it out with him if you're feeling uneasy. and if you're feeling daring, ask her out for coffee together with your boyfriend, and talk it out. that's what i would've done if i could go back in time.
best of luck to the both of you
tina
she despised me, surprise surprise. but yeah, i was more than happy for him to remain friends with her,
though i was jealous, there wasn't really anything i could do, and plus, i didn't want to seem so... constraining?
but yeah, two months passed, and things were going great, though every now and then, she'd call him up completely drunk, or she'd text him every so often - like when she was at her school formal/dance, with something along the lines of,
"i'm at my debutant, i can't help but think what it'd be like if you were here with me instead"
and in all honesty, i was pissed off. i knew that she still had feelings for him, and i came to accept that, because i trusted him. i trusted him when he told me that he was over her. a few weeks after that text, we were talking on the phone one night, like we'd usually do, then he asked me whether or not i preferred him to stay friends with her, or just completely shut her out of his life.
i thought about it, then told him that no one deserves that kind of treatment, i told him to put himself in her shoes, how would he feel if i broke up with him, and cut off all ties with him, and plus, it wasn't as if i'd be able to stop him from doing anything he really wanted to do, or see who he really wanted to see. "it's not as if i control your life" i told him. he went silent, then asked if i was okay with him having a study group with her - just the two of them. i was surprised, surprised as to why he needed another one yet alone with her. his reasoning was that he just "couldn't study at home, it's too distracting"
i was uneasy about it, but i agreed nevertheless. like i said, i trusted him.
i gave him one condition though, "on the days you see her, i don't want you to contact me."
i guess deep down, i was hoping he'd somehow get the hint that i'm truly not happy with the whole idea.
however he didn't get it. he went silent, but then replied with a quiet "okay"
on their first study group session, everything was as planned.
he didn't contact me. and i was damn miserable. he broke up with me the next day, telling me that he 'practically cannot be bothered anymore, i'm too tired. relationships are too time consuming' and you know what? he got back together with his ex-girlfriend on the exact same day.
that surely hurt like a b*tch.
but that's what happened to me, and to be honest with you, he was an as*hole.
i don't know what kind of person your boyfriend is, so the only piece of advice i can really give you is just to be cautious, but don't be in his face. sure, be jealous. hell, tell him that you are - but just don't go too over the top.
no one likes being told what and what not to do. do not, i repeat, do not jump to conclusions. communication is the key, so talk it out with him if you're feeling uneasy. and if you're feeling daring, ask her out for coffee together with your boyfriend, and talk it out. that's what i would've done if i could go back in time.
best of luck to the both of you
tina
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#3
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Posted 03 November 2009 - 06:10 AM
kawaiichik: Dang that sucks!
Maybe it's better for you tell her to back off.
Maybe it's better for you tell her to back off.
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#4
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Posted 03 November 2009 - 08:53 AM
stand your ground, this is your boyfriend, kindly tell her to just back off, your both happy so what on earth is she trying to do? i mean, she did say that she wouldnt let go of your boyfriend, although she spoke honestly about that she should respect you and refrain from saying stuff like that, i mean no one, including her would like it if another girl was chasing after their boyfriend.
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#5
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Posted 03 November 2009 - 09:33 AM
Let me tell you that I saw your boyfriend walking down the street, he was standin' all shaky,
hands all sweaty and he could hardly speak. I might as well take a minute or two, to
put you on to some game, you want a boy like him and a man like me and that's just not the
same.
hands all sweaty and he could hardly speak. I might as well take a minute or two, to
put you on to some game, you want a boy like him and a man like me and that's just not the
same.
#6
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Posted 03 November 2009 - 12:46 PM
If he wants her to stop talking to him, he'll make it happen.
#7
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Posted 03 November 2009 - 01:01 PM
what do you mean make her stop?
you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do.
who cares if she's still into him,
if he isn't into her anymore, you don't have to worry.
take a chill pill.
@MR.CHAN:
...huh?
you can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do.
who cares if she's still into him,
if he isn't into her anymore, you don't have to worry.
take a chill pill.
@MR.CHAN:
...huh?
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#8
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Posted 03 November 2009 - 02:52 PM
There's nothing that you can do to make her back off; your boyfriend has to do it.
If he's not willing to firmly step in and stop this, then maybe you should be worried. =P I have had exes try to cling to me and I stopped it pronto very easily by cutting contact completely (blocking them, etc). It's really easy to get someone to stop talking to you, at least it has been in my case.
Since your bf and his ex are friends, and their families are friends, it's going to be difficult for him to cut contact like I did. Distancing himself would be good (not replying to her text messages, etc), but since they're friends (are they friends still?) he might not want to do that.
Clearly this bothers you enough to speak with him about it. He needs to make it clear to her that he is with YOU now and that he has no interest in her and that he wants her to stop, if he really has no interest in her. Otherwise she won't stop.
If he's not willing to firmly step in and stop this, then maybe you should be worried. =P I have had exes try to cling to me and I stopped it pronto very easily by cutting contact completely (blocking them, etc). It's really easy to get someone to stop talking to you, at least it has been in my case.
Since your bf and his ex are friends, and their families are friends, it's going to be difficult for him to cut contact like I did. Distancing himself would be good (not replying to her text messages, etc), but since they're friends (are they friends still?) he might not want to do that.
Clearly this bothers you enough to speak with him about it. He needs to make it clear to her that he is with YOU now and that he has no interest in her and that he wants her to stop, if he really has no interest in her. Otherwise she won't stop.
#9
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Posted 03 November 2009 - 08:36 PM
just make sure they don't get back together then if you're worried. You can't start getting jealous here, you may seem less cool/desirable this way, or the opposite depending on the guy though.
isn't "just being friends" after break-up everyone's goal? I'm sure most people would still want to know that at one point it was good; having enemies sucks.
isn't "just being friends" after break-up everyone's goal? I'm sure most people would still want to know that at one point it was good; having enemies sucks.
#10
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Posted 03 November 2009 - 08:52 PM
QUOTE (DreamingSaturn @ Nov 3 2009, 03:46 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
If he wants her to stop talking to him, he'll make it happen.
This, and I usually find out about these things/decide if I want to deal with it before getting into the relationship. Boys hanging out with and talking to their ex's constantly isn't my thing, and I'm not going to put up with it, so I don't date guys who don't feel the same way.
#11
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Posted 03 November 2009 - 10:52 PM
lol, i unno, i guess yooh juss got to hab confidence in yoorself :]
If yooh're shore he likes yooh, then y be scared.
Buh, if he does fall for another girl juss like that, y hold on? Hold on to sumone that doesn't even like yooh rite?
Sho yuh :] phink positive + easy going.
Makes yoor lyfe happier n easier ;D
p.s i hab nyu idea who his ex r, buh it's alright :3
If yooh're shore he likes yooh, then y be scared.
Buh, if he does fall for another girl juss like that, y hold on? Hold on to sumone that doesn't even like yooh rite?
Sho yuh :] phink positive + easy going.
Makes yoor lyfe happier n easier ;D
p.s i hab nyu idea who his ex r, buh it's alright :3
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#12
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Posted 03 November 2009 - 11:12 PM
My bf's ex used to call my bf all the time and cry on the phone about how she still likes him. When we first got together, she was 'happy' for him. then when she realized we were for real, she started trying to squeeze her fat a-s-s between us. She calls EVERYDAY! and emails my bf probably every hour or some bizzare sh-i-t like that. my bf showed me one of the many emails she sent, and it was all swearing and cursing at us (especially me). And it's like she's mentally challenged or something, one day she'd be all angry and swore she'd never talk to him again, then next day she'd call and cry and says she wants to get back. I'm like, w-t-f ?
They were together for 3 years, I said to my bf: I respect those three years, because I respect you, but that doesn't mean I respect her, and I don't take no sh-i-t from that bi-t-c-h. Eventually she apologized, but of course, she was never forgiven : )
I think my bf cheated on me with her, actually not think, I know he did. which (along with many other reasons) is why my bf is now my ex. lol
He says we're still friends, but I've cut him off completely so... I guess he will have to go figure out how this 'friendship' works by himself.
I'm simply saving his next gf the hassle.
They were together for 3 years, I said to my bf: I respect those three years, because I respect you, but that doesn't mean I respect her, and I don't take no sh-i-t from that bi-t-c-h. Eventually she apologized, but of course, she was never forgiven : )
I think my bf cheated on me with her, actually not think, I know he did. which (along with many other reasons) is why my bf is now my ex. lol
He says we're still friends, but I've cut him off completely so... I guess he will have to go figure out how this 'friendship' works by himself.
I'm simply saving his next gf the hassle.
#13
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Posted 03 November 2009 - 11:37 PM
kawaiichik: I was the same as you, "trusting him" I let them meet etc..
I was always afraid what happend to you would happend to me. =[ *Hugs*
iangel: Sounds ALOT like what happend to me 3 years..etc.
Expect idk what she said in her emails or text messages, he never showed any to me i just found them when i was using his phone =/ He cheated on me also, but i already knew he still had feelings for her and i accepted it in the beginning.
I mainly trusted her not to do anything because she let him go, i gave them the chance to be together again since our relationship had just barely started. But she didn't want it and was already in a new relationship for a while now. After all that she stil contacted him, she still had the nerve. I've been calm throughout most of it till later i just burst.
Its funny how you catch it and know exactly whats happening, and it just rips you apart... He tells me "dont do things to me you dont want me to do to you" At yet to me you still did it.
I was always afraid what happend to you would happend to me. =[ *Hugs*
iangel: Sounds ALOT like what happend to me 3 years..etc.
Expect idk what she said in her emails or text messages, he never showed any to me i just found them when i was using his phone =/ He cheated on me also, but i already knew he still had feelings for her and i accepted it in the beginning.
I mainly trusted her not to do anything because she let him go, i gave them the chance to be together again since our relationship had just barely started. But she didn't want it and was already in a new relationship for a while now. After all that she stil contacted him, she still had the nerve. I've been calm throughout most of it till later i just burst.
Its funny how you catch it and know exactly whats happening, and it just rips you apart... He tells me "dont do things to me you dont want me to do to you" At yet to me you still did it.
#14
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Posted 03 November 2009 - 11:54 PM
QUOTE (PristineNyte @ Nov 3 2009, 09:52 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I usually find out about these things/decide if I want to deal with it before getting into the relationship. Boys hanging out with and talking to their ex's constantly isn't my thing, and I'm not going to put up with it, so I don't date guys who don't feel the same way.
Sorry for cutting your post, but this is exactly how I am too.
If your boyfriend agrees that she's being crazy and he wants her to let go of him, then why isn't HE letting her go? Why is he still friends with her? Obviously things aren't working out with them still being friends since she's threatening you and treating you this badly. My question is ... why do YOU have to deal with this and what exactly is your boyfriend doing to stop this? It doesn't seem fair that you're getting a bunch of crap by his ex-girlfriend and he just pretends nothing is wrong and remains friends with her. He should be prioritizing and putting his girlfriend before his ex-girlfriend, even if that means ending the friendship with the latter.
#15
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Posted 04 November 2009 - 01:07 AM
lol i make sure my boyfriend doesn't talk to his exes. but only because we've been dating for 3 years and i get away with more things (:
#16
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Posted 04 November 2009 - 07:47 AM
QUOTE (RYUUSEi @ Nov 4 2009, 02:54 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Sorry for cutting your post, but this is exactly how I am too.
If your boyfriend agrees that she's being crazy and he wants her to let go of him, then why isn't HE letting her go? Why is he still friends with her? Obviously things aren't working out with them still being friends since she's threatening you and treating you this badly. My question is ... why do YOU have to deal with this and what exactly is your boyfriend doing to stop this? It doesn't seem fair that you're getting a bunch of crap by his ex-girlfriend and he just pretends nothing is wrong and remains friends with her. He should be prioritizing and putting his girlfriend before his ex-girlfriend, even if that means ending the friendship with the latter.
If your boyfriend agrees that she's being crazy and he wants her to let go of him, then why isn't HE letting her go? Why is he still friends with her? Obviously things aren't working out with them still being friends since she's threatening you and treating you this badly. My question is ... why do YOU have to deal with this and what exactly is your boyfriend doing to stop this? It doesn't seem fair that you're getting a bunch of crap by his ex-girlfriend and he just pretends nothing is wrong and remains friends with her. He should be prioritizing and putting his girlfriend before his ex-girlfriend, even if that means ending the friendship with the latter.
He may just like the attention. Girls do crap like that all time.
I
#17
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Posted 04 November 2009 - 10:19 AM
to tell you the truth, i keep contacting my ex because i still like him.
was his fault, cause he refused to tell me the real reason why we broke up.
if he had a girlfriend, i'd probably back off.
but he doesnt, and i have a feeling he still likes me.
so i'm not letting go just yet.
i think it's up to your boyfriend to stop this.
being friends with exes are okay, so long they dont go overboard.
if he knows you cant trust him that well yet, he should put in some effort to make you trust him.
if he's unwilling to do so, i guess you know what that means, right?
Mr.Chan:
lol, i somehow found that quite amusing.
was his fault, cause he refused to tell me the real reason why we broke up.
if he had a girlfriend, i'd probably back off.
but he doesnt, and i have a feeling he still likes me.
so i'm not letting go just yet.
i think it's up to your boyfriend to stop this.
being friends with exes are okay, so long they dont go overboard.
if he knows you cant trust him that well yet, he should put in some effort to make you trust him.
if he's unwilling to do so, i guess you know what that means, right?
Mr.Chan:
lol, i somehow found that quite amusing.
#18
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Posted 04 November 2009 - 12:30 PM
But you know, think it in your place. If like, lets assume, that you and your bf would be in a relationship, and then you guys would brake up, wouldn't you want to remain even as his friend?
In my situation, my ex is in a new relationship, and then she suddenly wanted to be friends with me and I invited her to have coffee with me, but her gf wouldn't have wanted us to see each other or even have a chat! I was like... Hello?
Okay, I admit, I still have feelings towards my ex since we were dating for a long time and she was the one who left me. and that was like two years ago. But still. I'm not going to broke their relationship or anything, I'm just happy for them, and I'm glad that my ex is happy.
Seriously, if you'd have this kind of situation, wouldn't you even get angry if you couldn't even ask from him that "Hey! What's up?" just because his "new gf" doesn't want you to?
In my situation, my ex is in a new relationship, and then she suddenly wanted to be friends with me and I invited her to have coffee with me, but her gf wouldn't have wanted us to see each other or even have a chat! I was like... Hello?
Okay, I admit, I still have feelings towards my ex since we were dating for a long time and she was the one who left me. and that was like two years ago. But still. I'm not going to broke their relationship or anything, I'm just happy for them, and I'm glad that my ex is happy.
Seriously, if you'd have this kind of situation, wouldn't you even get angry if you couldn't even ask from him that "Hey! What's up?" just because his "new gf" doesn't want you to?
#19
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Posted 04 November 2009 - 01:53 PM
I understand the ex situation,
but yea i guess its not sensitive for him to still be in such close contact if she still likes him...
theres nothing really you can do without jeopardizing your relationship right now
he needs to do it, not you.
but yea i guess its not sensitive for him to still be in such close contact if she still likes him...
theres nothing really you can do without jeopardizing your relationship right now
he needs to do it, not you.
#20
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Posted 04 November 2009 - 04:13 PM
It''s never easy to let go and it might even take a lot of years to get over one person... but be patience. good luckk
