[eixenelyam]

Final (?) Update

Dear all,

I've been updating here really sporadically (you'll find them throughout the thread) but I think this may very well be the final one. A few months ago, I got engaged to the guy you read about here on this thread. Two+ years ago when I was writing this, I never would have thought we'd come so far, but we somehow pulled through. I really, really want to thank all of your for the tremendous amount of love and support you all gave me during all my relationship struggles. Your comments brought many many smiles to my face even when I was feeling hopeless inside. I will forever remember and be grateful to the community here for brightening some of my darkest hours.

With love,
Maylene

---
There is a quote floating around somewhere on the web that goes something like this: The beauty of first love is in the belief that it will never end. I loved this quote when I first read it. There was something beautifully melancholic and wise about it, even if I could not fully grasp its meaning. I sensed the dangerous tone in it that warns us of love's ephemeral nature. Yet I feel it is also telling us: cherish this beauty if you are lucky enough to be experiencing it.

When it comes to love, I've never thought about myself as being a romantic. Whoever believes in true love's kiss or love at first sight or even love that lasts forever? That's the fluff from fairytales that only the truly naive dreamers still believe. Dream on. At the same time, I've never really taken to the cynics either. I feel that people completely cynical about love shut themselves off to the remotest possibility that love could ever happen to them which is a shame. They'll never even experience the magical illusion that they are in love. I guess I've been caught in between wanting to believe in the possibility of some glamorous, true, unconditional love, yet not wanting to be just another young and naive girl.

(I hope, whoever you are, you are not reading this for answers. I just wanted to share a personal experience. It's my hope that by sharing this, by writing this out, I may come to some greater understanding about myself.)


When I first met Leo, you could say it was our first date, he was sitting over a bowl of pho at what was my favorite little restaurant at the time. His head was bowed down very low over his food, and he mostly peered over the rim of his bowl if he even looked at me at all. His back was perpetually concave and he'd occasionally stutter over what to say. He was shy and insecure and inexperienced with girls. That was my first impression. And although his quirky mannerisms were not attractive to me in the least, I was attracted in a different way. I was intrigued. I knew that he was very smart. My physics teacher mentioned that he did the entire AP physics C exam on the first day of class and only missed one problem. I also knew that he liked poetry and writing music because although we weren't quite familiar with each other, he would periodically share some pieces he had written with me. He had a pair of very deep set and expressive eyes too. He was weird. And I was intrigued by what he was, and even more so, what he could become. To me, guys who were confident, self assured, and well socialized and situated in life were somewhat boring. I liked guys who had a story behind them. And this Leo kid, he was interesting.

As I got to know Leo more, he was weirder than I thought. And, ugh, he was a romantic. After dating two guys who thought they wanted to marry me while I was still in high school, I thought I was over those. But Leo, who was more of a dreamer than either of them, continued to intrigue me. He believed in sacrificial, unconditional love. His emotions were often intense. He was profusely apologetic over ever little wrong he could think of that he did. He had big dreams of saving the world. He was addicted to video games, so much so, that he said he'd wake up installing the game, and go to sleep crying and uninstalling the game. In a sense, he was like a little boy, groping around for some warm hand to hold and lead him to where he should be. I could tell that he liked me. Some days he would wake up early at 6 in the morning just to give me a wakeup call for class. Whenever I came home from school, he'd be waiting at his computer to chat with me. He would talk to me as I fell asleep. He told me that he could be the older brother I never had, someone who I could lean on. Even more touchingly, he told me that he expected nothing in return. He'd be a rock that lends support, but doesn't ask for anything back. Because he said this, sometimes I'd nickname him "shi tou ge" (rock brother, in Chinese).

I thought he was silly. From my experience with past bfs, guys always get angry and hurt when girls don't reciprocate or put in equal effort to the relationship. How could there exist someone who only wanted to give and never wanted anything in return? How could someone be so naive? I was skeptical, but he was convincing, not just in the way he treated me, but others was well. I remember times when he'd have 5 tests the next day, and if a friend were to ask him for help on their homework, he would gladly and willingly help without mentioning his own work at all. He would give out everything in his wallet to someone on the street who asked him for money. He treats children with the kind of patience and care that I, who love children, could never measure up to. He promised that he would never leave me. I thought, if he really was this kind of selfless and caring person, he deserves much better than all the unrequited love he had experienced in the past. He was deep, soulful, a thinker, and a dreamer. He was beautiful, and I had never met someone like him before.

The first few months of our relationship were wonderful. I loved watching as he slowly came out of his shell. He started looking me straight in the eye when he talked to me. We started holding hands. At my prodding, he stopped hunching his back. Even my friends marveled at the changed person he had become. Kristy said that when she first met him, he looked like a caveman, but now she'd rank him an 8/10 (9/10 if he worked out). Vishnu told me that when he first met Leo, he thought he was weird and wondered why I was dating him but now he was really cool. Cooler than me. But as Leo gained confidence, he also lost a lot of his quirks. And a lot of what I had originally loved so much about him.

Maybe I made him a more selfish person. I yelled at him when he gave away $10 to a guy who had a cellphone and "needed" $30 for a cab ride home. He doesn't give out money to people who ask him anymore. I told him to stop helping people when he has lots of work to do on his own. I told him to stop sleeping with his 10 year old brother because even 5 year old little girls sleep by themselves (or at least, I did). I broke up with him twice, once for lying to me about playing Starcraft for a month behind my back (and because I was hurt that he was even late to pick me up on my birthday because he was so tired from playing Starcraft all night). Once for some other reason, probably also related to the fact that he was perpetually late and didn't keep his word. Leo, who was once so giving that he was willing to do almost anything for me, now realized that my demands were too high and too much for him. He stopped writing me emails every night after I had gone to sleep. He stopped calling me to say goodnight every day before we went to sleep. The number of random loving texts I received throughout the day dwindled. He became more busy and stopped humoring me like he used to when I was whiny or in a bad mood. A few times, even when I was crying, he would coldly ignore me. Slowly, he changed.

And maybe that's just a natural progression of relationships. Eventually, when two people become very comfortable with each other, they reveal different a different side. This happened not just with him, but with me too. I was no longer constantly supportive and pleasant. When I was unhappy or just in a bad mood, I no longer covered it up. When I was angry, I yelled at him. When I was upset at him, I'd hangup on him and ignore him. When I was lonely, I demanded his attention. It's hard to tell who changed first or when our relationship shifted to include negative emotions as well. There was once a time when I believed that we could never get in a fight. There was even a point where I thought for sure I would marry him. And, there was once a time when I believed that he would never break up with me.

After all our trials and tribulations, I realize that I do love Leo. In previous relationships, I never saw myself marrying the guy. I'd think about all his flaws and how I couldn't stand them or live forever with them. But Leo was different. A couple of times I wanted to give up, true. But in the end, I still wanted to be with him. I would miss the tender, caring, and giving side of him. I would miss the little boy that needed my hand. I would miss the happy Leo that was out of his shell and relaxed and just enjoying the time passed. I would think about all the silly plans for the future we had together. There were times in our relationship that I still had some doubts about Leo. He was short, and I hated that. As with many girls, I wanted to marry a tall and handsome guy who was mature and established (rich wouldn't hurt either). But over time, I stopped noticing his height completely. And I mean completely. Something that used to bother me a lot, no longer has any bearing in my feelings. I could accept if he ended up being a poor professor (teaching is something he loves very much). If he ended up deformed from a car accident or something, I'd be willing to take care of him forever. I'd still want to be with him. There was no point where I suddenly realized that I loved him. Love was a gradient, and I was simply slowly moving up that gradient. But love is not unconditional. If he had still believed in unconditional love today, maybe I might too. But we've both changed.

Today, he told me "You add a lot of stress and pressure to me. I don't know if I will be happy with you." Then he left me to myself to think about it. He has broken up with me before, in the heat of the moment. But this the the first time I've heard such candid words from him. He knows that I will feel hurt, but he decides to be honest anyways. This is really uncharacteristic of Leo. Usually, if there is something he feels will hurt me, he would rather lie to me or keep it to himself. While I was once so sure that Leo was different from all the guys out there and that he would love me forever and ever, I suddenly realized today that feelings can change. I realized that while love can be genuine, it does not necessarily last or mean a happily ever after. I told him that he did not have to stay if he didn't want to. He told me he knew, but he wasn't sure yet, so he'd let me know later. His words were a shock to me, but I felt eerily calm. And you know what? The first thought that came to my mind was:

"The beauty of first love is in the belief that it will never end."

In the end, I have been just another naive girl. I have not found glamorous unconditional love. But I have loved.


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EDIT//

Thanks for everyone's kind and supportive comments. I am really touched.
Because some of you were curious, I posted an update on Pg 4.
------

EDIT??

A lot has happened. I've been writing about the breakup on my blog a little bit, and someone from soompi told me I should write here instead because I'll feel better. He/she was right. There's something comforting about just having someone out there to listen...it doesn't really even matter who.

What separated us in the end is hard to pinpoint. Could have been the 5 extra years of long distance (7 total) we would have to go through. Could have been his eccentric and overbearing parents who refused to let him visit because "he was wasting too much time on woman". Could have been his passive nature or persistent inability to keep his word or follow through with the smallest promises. Could have been that I just got tired of all the emotional baggage that has been weighing heavier and heavier with each "breakup" in our relationship.

Could have been I was in love with an ideal.

Or it could very well be the vague totality of the situation--what I call circumstances. In any case, there seems to be a finality to this last breakup. He is going on to medical school and I am still trudging my way through college. I've already gone through the emotional <a href="http://www.maylenexie.com/?p=199" target="_blank">rollar coaster stage</a>. Now I find myself in a weird, numb, reflective stage. I've managed to shut him out of my thoughts for the most part. I don't feel pangs of hurt, nor do my eyes disobediently well up with tears anymore. In the aftermath, I feel frankly, kind of empty. Like I'm floating around with nothing to anchor me to this world. Maybe this is dramatic of me to say, but a big chunk of my future has seemingly been cut out and thrown away. Now I am walking, floating, into the unknown.

[That's the funny thing with time. Whether you like it or not, time pushes you forward into the unknown. Time leaves memories behind in the past.]

I don't miss him anymore. But I do feel amiss. Everytime I find something funny or see something really cute or beautiful, I sorely wish there was someone standing beside me. I imagine I would excited tug at his arm and point, and we would both smile and laugh. Our goat just had two baby goats which are the most adorable things ever. They look and feel like stuffed animals and like to mischievously jump on your lap. I wish there was someone special I could show them off to. The other night, the sky was really clear and there were a million stars in the sky. I wished there was someone I could spend a second standing there looking up into the sky with. I went shopping yesterday with my mom, and I wished there were someone I could dress up for. In my imagination, I'd twirl and teasingly chide him: 你看! 我漂不漂亮 !? These are all silly examples, but basically, I wish there were someone I could share my life with.

But, not just anybody. I wonder how long it will take for that somebody to come along and make me feel alive again.
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[xDMufffins]

That was the most beautiful thing I have ever read.

[sunnydaylovex3]

^ Completely agree.

I don't really know what to say...but I hope everything will work out for you in the end, whatever you decide to do.

[iono]

yeah... that was a really good read. o_o
you should be a writer if you aren't already one.

[ximo.hearts]

i love the quote (=
thanks for posting this! It really made me think about myself and my relationships with the people around me.

[x SaRaNg HaE x]

Wow, I loved reading that.

I'm curious to know if you've told him all the things you've just written.

In any case, best of luck to you~

[eixenelyam]

Thank you all so much. It means a lot to me that you guys have read this. Even though we don't know each other, I feel less alone in this world at this instant

and x SaRaNg HaE x: I wrote this on my blog so he will probably eventually find it. The sad thing is, he might be right. Just because I love him doesn't mean that I will make him happy in the future. I'm a very temperamental and stubborn person sometimes...sigh.

[McChicken]

^ ditto

your writing is awesomesauce.

[Javus]

Yeah, like other's have said, awesome writing. Future author in the making I guess lol.

I think anybody who has had their first love can relate to your story. The very first time you're truly in love, you DO feel like it can never end, only to have it hit you hard when it does. I guess the good thing about first love is that it's a very unique and wonderful feeling. When you're in it it's like no other feeling and even when it ends it affects you and all your future relationships. And you also learn alot about love and yourself.

[sylviee]

I went through something similar last year.. I hope all goes well for you. The healing process takes a while;

[HSuke]

Kudos for having genuinely looked at the situation from his point of view. You live and you learn.

[xblush]

WOW. I am so speechless right now.
Your story was beautifully written.
I wish my writing could be like yours <3
Although you don't expect a reply,
I wish you the best in this relationship!

[x ciel]

Dang. This is probably the longest post on Soompi I have ever read, but your writing made it worth every bit. <3

It's really good that you actually see what went wrong, and what was wrong with both parties in this relationship. Hope everything turns out okay for you!

[usagi~]

wow that was amazing. i'm so glad i opened this
a lot of the stuff you wrote completely made sense with me and my current boyfriend as well.
actually, i can basically relate to everything you've said

thank you so much for posting that
it was beautifully written, and 100% a true life story with nothing held back
you never get those anymore..

[Daikirai]

That was so beautifully written, I feel like it's a story.. but then realize it happened to you.
I don't know how to feel about it.. I want to cry, but I don't at the same time.
Good luck with everything.

[kcn_]

like many above i'm blown away, it's like reading something out of a novel
I love your post, not just a petty rant about the things that went wrong in love
but it's evident how much thought and care you took into choosing the right words
in order to portray your feelings. I cannot give you enough praise.

best of luck to both of you
on whatever the future may hold.

[hiphopmovement08]

wow. read it like it was the last chapter of a romance novel. story was so riveting. you should be a writer. write more please fiction or non-fiction, i don't care. haha

[eixenelyam]

Oh my goodness guys. Thank you all so much for the support. It really means a lot to me. Though I'm feeling much better/calmer now, I'm still checking back to read your comments. They are all really sweet and make me smile

Also, my heart goes out to all of you who can relate. I sincerely wish you all happiness!

[mintcracker]

Hey whatever happens, at least this was all worth it right? The experience, how you felt for him, all that will be in your heart and you'll look back on all the memories with a smile on your face. =).

[Joanne <3]

That was a really good read, thanks for taking the time out to share it with us Soompiers. I'm glad you wrote about both sides of the story and your faults, rather than cover them up. And I'm sure you know this, but you have a fantastic writing style - have you ever considered writing fanfics? But anyway, all the best to you too. ^^

EDIT: v Wow, what a coincidence that your username is leothelion...