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Personal Statements feedback?

#1 User is offline   insanelyCRAZY 

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Posted 09 November 2009 - 10:27 AM

I need help, this is my first time. Feedback? I want to go to UC Davis btw. haha.



Who am I? I am Cassie, and that is all I know. I have no special talent, but I have dreams and wishes that I want to strive for. Part of what I want to learn is who I am. I want to experience love, friendship and family. I want to experience the outdoors and see the world. I want to understand and help fellow animals. It’s a lot to ask for to be perfect and be a totally well-rounded person. I am lazy and I like to have fun. Unfortunately, I don’t find myself at home often enough to do all my homework like what my teachers and family tell me to do.
After a year and three months of meeting this one person and being with them they became a part of me. They taught me that to really get what I want I have to take it seriously and really focus on it. I can’t just think to myself that things will always go smoothly. I must work hard at it. They taught me to be focused and not be lazy. I am happy to have met them, they helped me adjust my attitude. That person is now my ex-boyfriend. It’s cliché I know, it may seem to adults that I am a really dumb typical high school girl, but I am also a person, throughout life I will continue to find people who will change my life in little and big ways.
I want to further enhance my knowledge and apply it to everything I do, so that way I can do as many right things as I possibly can and decrease the amount of things I do wrong. Not only that but I want to learn what I want, and not always have somebody to depend on to decide things for me. I realize that I hate making decisions but it’s something I have to accept because it’s a part of life and it’s something else that will further help me grow as a person.
I can’t say that I have my life put together but that’s why I want to learn how to put it together the way that’s right for me and what most makes me feel comfortable. I want to find everything that I want to do with my life and who are the people I want to spend it with.
I dream of love, I dream of everlasting friendship and a healthy family. Most of all, I dream of being somebody I am fully confident of being and to be that person I will continue to explore as much of the world as I can. When I say “the world”, I don’t mean a giant rock smothered with living and nonliving organisms, I mean all the things that life has to offer a person and for everybody. By doing this I realize I have to keep an open-mind and accept things even if they may not make any sense to me.
So far, as a person, I am still a baby eager to grow and learn. I know what is right and wrong but I am still building up my strength to use what I know and actually apply it to my everyday life.
Something that has shaped up who I am today is Key club. Key Club has definitely showed me how critical responsibility can take a toll on a person. Having a lot of responsibility when running a club is a lot of work, but surprisingly it’s a kind of fun that I just can’t get enough of. I love the people and opportunities Key Club offers me and my friends. Social networking is a huge part of that, I learned to present myself in a way that I should be confident with who I am and I also learned that to keep a good organization running it’s important to also be on talking terms with many of the members. Getting to know as many people as I can helps me further accept the variety of personalities that exist and I can collaborate with each person as friends. It’s a good experience.
Throughout a lot of my life I was pressured in getting straight A’s in school and my family’s dream is to see me become a doctor. It wasn’t until recently that I finally settled down with realizing that I can only see myself working with animals for the rest of my life. Yes, I love working with people and social networking, but I believe that can be easily done on a daily basis. Such as opening the door for random strangers and making conversation with the cash register at Save Mart. To work and help animals though is not something that happens very often. I have only one pet throughout my life and I’ve only had him for three years. It’s not much of an experience but that’s why I want to learn more. I’ve been introduced to animals in zoos and various other pets from family and friends, yet I still crave for more knowledge.
I am a person, and I’m not perfect. It would be perfect if I didn’t have regrets. Sad to say, but I do have regrets. One of my hugest regrets is that I quit gymnastics when I was small. I didn’t want to but my mother was extremely against it because she didn’t want my growth to be affected in the long-run. To this day I still wish I was a gymnast, because it was the only active thing I enjoyed doing. I’m not athletic. I’m the type of person who is chosen last for a team in PE. Nobody would ever find me trying out for team sports. I’m up to play sports but I have no interest in pursuing anything that has to do with sports – other than gymnastics. Not only was it a sport that I enjoyed, but it was also a sport that I was good at. It was the one thing I looked forward to by the end of the day. After the regret of quitting, I learned that, if I want something, nobody should be able to stop me, because it’s my life.
This is my life, I will live it the way I want to. I will live with my accomplishments, dreams and mistakes. All this will enhance me throughout my life to be a better person more and more.


I realize that I have to make two personal statements and it's basicly split in between this one draft. I have never written one before and I was just wondering if I at least get the gist of what I'm supposed to be writing?
Tips are greatly appreciated!
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” - Dr Suess
BAM!
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