[MangoStar]

This is a really mature subject and although I really don't like the idea of putting my personal business on the internet, I have no where else to turn.

So earlier this year, I met this guy and soon afterwards we began dating. I lived in MS and he lived in New Orleans. So we didn't get to see each other often. We stayed with each other for a month during the summer and of course things went down. I left go to go back to MS and start college that August. Well in September, we broke up and soon afterwards I found out that I was pregnant - thats when all the drama began.

Here is the issue. He has a deadbeat job, tons of debt and is leaving for the Navy soon. He wants me to give the child up for adoption, while I want to keep it. Even my own mother is pressuring me to give her up (but for racial reasons since the child is Black/Vietnamese). I don't want to give the child up and now I'm beginning to wonder if giving the child up would be selfish of me. I'm not hooked on drugs, I'm 100% healthy and while I may not be able to give the baby Louis Vuitton diapers, they'll have a decent life. I have very little help. My mother won't let me stay with her once the child is born

He wants to give the child up so he can continue messing around with this girl. She's been blowing up my phone nonstop under an anonymous number. My phone won't even stay on for 30 minutes. Its affecting me decision, because some days I want to give her away and some days I just wanna give him the middle finger, file child support and keep her. Would I be wrong to keep him out of her life?

[peppermintsugar]

The "best option" can only be decided by you and you alone. While I like the idea of family making the choice together, I do feel as though in the end, the decision is 60/40 in favor of the mother. You're carrying, you're bearing the child -- make the decision that you feel is right for you.

[HaplessChild]

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You don't have to give it up, you don't have to keep the guy around, you don't have to put up with that girl's nonsense. Think about what you want excluding all of your negative emotions.

[Malice_Kaiser]

You are going to be caring for the baby, it is honestly your choice and your choice alone. With what little details we have, so far I think either course of action seems justified. Taking care of a baby by yourself is going to be very difficult, but no, I don't think keeping a deadbeat father out of the child's life is all that selfish if he's just going to do more harm than good.

[maharu.]

If you personally think you can raise the child without any help, then raise the child.
You're the mother. You decide the happiness for the child.
But regardless of your choice, you need to stay away from the guy.
And if the girl is harassing you, it's best to change phone numbers.
You never know what the guy will do to the child so it's best to separate...it's not selfish.
It's for you and your child's own good.

[smpilovaa]

oh wow, im so sorry. i'm sure that this is a very crucial time for you. You know that you never have to do what people tell you to do, just do what you think is best for you and most importantly your child. Who cares if your child is mixed? It's still your own child, unique. Because I have never been in the same or similar situation that you are going through, Im not going to tell you to do something. But i'll like to remind you that God is there for you and if you do put that child up for adoption, you might miss him/her later on in life. I know there are many mothers out there that put their child up for adoption and regret it. So basically im trying to say is, just do what your never going to regret. Maybe your like the mothers out there who give up their child up for adoption and dont regret it. Who knows where the child goes to? The final/best decision is your decision. Do what a mother got to do for her child. The BEST for the child and for herself.

[rubyx]

Let me start by saying that I'm very sorry that this happened to you. But adoption is not the best thing to do. Black children have the lowest rates of adoption, so there's a chance that the kid might not even get adopted. I would recommend getting an abortion. While abortion is a very horrible thing, somehow I think it would be better than raising a kid without a dad, when you're not sure that you're ready to have a kid. In your post it seems like you want to keep the baby to spite him, and that is wrong. Kids shouldn't be used for revenge, just as they can't be used to keep relationships together. Ultimately it's up to you.

[MangoStar]

Thanks for the replies.

I really want to keep her. Although I can't give her brand new everything I can give her food, shelter, clothing and medical care. He wants to be in the baby's life, but at the moment us getting along is virtually impossible. Mainly because he has this girl around. She isn't his girlfriend, she's basically a human fleshlight as we put it but her presence is complicating things.

She texts me from a blocked number and he says that she said she didn't do it. But come now, who would sit there and say, "Yeah, I harass your ex." Duh. While my own family want nothing to do with the child (because she's mixed), his mother has offered to allow me to stay with them. However I don't want to unless its a last option because it would be a burden and I really do not want to be around the father right now.

Let me start by saying that I'm very sorry that this happened to you. But adoption is not the best thing to do. Black children have the lowest rates of adoption, so there's a chance that the kid might not even get adopted. I would recommend getting an abortion. While abortion is a very horrible thing, somehow I think it would be better than raising a kid without a dad, when you're not sure that you're ready to have a kid. In your post it seems like you want to keep the baby to spite him, and that is wrong. Kids shouldn't be used for revenge, just as they can't be used to keep relationships together. Ultimately it's up to you.

One, I'm 5 months pregnant so I'm very sure I can't get an abortion. I was raised without a dad (mine is a convicted felon doing federal time) and I turned out pretty good despite this issue. I don't want him back. The girl's he's messing with now can have him. However, I want him to own up to his child and be the father he said he would. And if I need to clarify, I'm Black, he's Vietnamese.

Edit:

I don't want anyone to pity me. This is the consequence of being careless and I accept this. But to ruby, I'm 18 and pregnant and doing this alone - wouldn't you be very tense at the end of the day? I try to make a decision, but I can't without considering the father. He does have rights. I've talked to several lawyers and I don't want to file child support on the guy. While he is the bane of my existance right now, I don't want to take his entire paycheck every month just to spite him. I still care for the guy.

[peppermintsugar]

You can still get an abortion after five months, the methods just get more expensive/difficult to deal with.

[Boomx2Brian]

I have a friend that was raped a couple years back and she wound of pregnant. She struggled with the idea of abortion, adoption or keeping the baby. In the end though she ended up keeping the baby. Looking back on it Im glad she made the decision she did. The kid is adorable.

[PinkVodka]

Raising a kid is a very difficult job especially when you are not going to get any help from the father nor your own family. And on top of that, you are only 18 and still going to school. There's still alot of stuff you will need to consider. But I really don't think you should do it alone if you do decide to keep it. I also don't think adoption is a good idea because there's no guarantee that your child will end up in a better place with a loving family.

[peppermintsugar]

Raising a kid is a very difficult job especially when you are not going to get any help from the father nor your own family. And on top of that, you are only 18 and still going to school. There's still alot of stuff you will need to consider. But I really don't think you should do it alone if you do decide to keep it. I also don't think adoption is a good idea because there's no guarantee that your child will end up in a better place with a loving family.

You get a lot of time to choose parents for your child and get to know them as people, and their lifestyle. It's not like you just ship the child away and never know who they end up going to.

[Melitus]

This is a very touchy topic for me. My biological dad left my mother for another woman, and my mother found out she was pregnant on the boat ride to Canada (refugee). My mother could have abort me and go straight to Canada and make money sooner, however she stopped in Malaysia to have me. Till this day my mother is the world for me. I will DO ANYTHING for her! She have raised me perfectly, I came out alright despite of a biological father.
Life was hard for her, especially finding a husband/ boyfriend, but she did, soon after i turned one.
As much as my brain tell me to tell you to give up the baby for a better life, but I know my mother would be hurt if I told her "It would have been better to give me up, you would have a better life".
If I were a woman, and got impregnated...I would keep it. But if a friend or someone outside of my circle got impregnated I would recommend them to give it up. Most of the time I go what with my brain tells me, but there are special circumstances I would place all my eggs into one basket and go with my heart. This is one of those situation...

[~*Chi*Angel*~]

This is a really difficult decision to make. There is counseling for pregnant women to help them plan ahead for the baby. During these sessions you can get a feel of whether keeping the baby or giving the baby up for adoption is the right choice for you.

My sister became pregnant during high school but she had a wonderful friend who helped her out during her pregnancy, including signing her up for the counseling sessions. Her boyfriend wanted nothing to do with the baby and our mom kicked her out of the house when she learned she was pregnant.
In the end she gave her daughter up for adoption. It was a very hard decision for her and she cried a lot because of it, but she knew it was the right decision to make. She wouldn't have been able to support the baby financially and she wasn't very responsible either. She had an open adoption and talked to couples but in the end she found a wonderful couple through a friend who were trying to adopt a baby. They let us visit her and my sister has become good friends with the mother. Whenever I see my niece she's seems happy and the relationship between her adopted parents is wonderful. The family likes to travels and so she gets to experience things that she wouldn't have been able to if my sister had kept her.

You need to think about the child's well-being. Like people have said, it is very diffcult to raise a child especially when you're family refuse to help you out. It'll be even more diffcult to take care of a child while going to college. If you decide to keep the child I hope your mother changes her mind once the baby is born. I had a friend whose parents were against her pregnancy but once the baby was born her mother was surprising helpful in taking care of the baby.

[Flicksityy]

I for one know someone who's father had left her before she was born. Being raised in a poor environment and a demanding mother; once she found a boyfriend, she grew awfully materialistic and only wanted more. She lacked a father, therefore she had treated her boyfriend like he was. Basically, because of all the materialistic items she had lacked as a child; she became a gold digger. She basically spent thousands of dollars a week (mind you, that was her boyfriend's college money) shopping whilst she had left her step baby brother with her boyfriend to babysit. She had the guts to borrow 50k off her boyfriend's parents in Cambodia to build a bakery with her mother, when they had barely went out for a year. Her mother had previously encouraged her to work in illegal jobs to earn fast money, as well as this, her mother had expected her to live on $50 AUD a month when she was barely 14 years old. She sees nothing wrong with using her boyfriend's money or working illegally for her mother had stated that it was 'the good thing to do'; obviously she has earned a lot of haters.

Extreme scenario, however that's an example of the result of a neglecting mother. Like most people have stated, the child's well being is really important. You cannot expect a child to be brought up to a fatherless and financially challenged family and grow up to be asolutely fine and 'normal'. Before you raise this child you need to first question yourself; could you really give your all for this child to have a stable and easy childhood?

[chipmunkey]

i think now what is most important isnt on morality anymore . its about the upbringing of the child . you said you'll raise him/her decent so i dont see why you should give him/her up for adoption . you are young and you have a life ahead of you . if you dont see a kid a barrier to your advancement, it isnt then . 10 years down the road you'll probably be married to a man who will truly form a family with you . it's better to take the chance than end up regretting over 'what could have been' .

anyways, all the best . i really mean it . things WILL only get better from this juncture onwards (:

[rawrskiies]

i think after actually having a child, than giving it up for a adoption would be hard.
all the hard times and than having the baby, and than deciding to give it up for adoption i think you realize you have attachment to it so it would be harder.

i think there is always hope.
hope you make the right decision, you won't regret.

[MAKEMESMILE.]

obviously this is your choice , and yours alone. but i will give you something to think about (hope it helps) (:

if you give up that child , there is only 50/50 chance of them having a good life. maybe someone rich will pick them up , love them , give them everything they need OR perhaps an abusive family will decide to use her/him for their own amusement (sorry for sounding harsh , but i've had multiple friends go into adoption and every single one of them get brought into an abusive home). but , if you do decide to keep the child , then perhaps money will be tight but you'll love that kid right ? if you can't love that kid , then do give it up for adoption , but if you can then is there really anything more ? your family may be mad for a while , but they're you're family. they can't be mad at you for not giving that kid up for adoption just because he/she is part black.

when i was 6 , i remember my family left me and all i had was my mom (& my brother). money was extremely tight , but my mom gave me enough love that i didn't need everything let alone a family who didn't need me either. i think , that love is the most crucial thing of all. that child may get upset once they're older that they don't have the luxuries , but they'll understand what you went through and thank you for not letting them go. believe me , abandonment hurts more then anything.

i hope you choose what is best for you AND that child. since you ARE pregnant , you're not just a one-man team anymore , you have another little person there to think every decision upon.

[MangoStar]

Well I live in Mississippi so even if I were to get an abortion, there is only one abortion clinic in the entire state and its 6 hours away from me. Its not an option. As for adoption, I'm finding it very difficult to find a family. So I may just keep it, but I don't want to deal with the drama that comes with the father. It's giving me heartburn and headaches.

[taebins_luver]

sorry that you're going through a pregnancy alone.
this is one of those beautiful moments and it's something to share with a love one.

i hope whatever decision you make, you don't regret it.
but i suggest that when the baby is born, you have the father sign over his parental rights to you.
that way in the long run, he can't come after your baby and try to take her away.
you never know, his family might egg him on to take your precious away.

no one can really love your child like you, because you're the mommy.
just know that if you give your baby up, keep connection with the family.
you don't want your baby to think you abandoned him/her.

good luck in whatever your choices are, whether you keep the babe or give it up.