HyunA Reveals She Deals With Depression, Panic Disorder, And Vasovagal Syncope
HyunA opened up about her health in a letter on Instagram on November 28.
She shared that she deals with depression, panic disorder, and vasovagal syncope (a condition that can lead to fainting).
Read her letter below:
Hi, hello. To my fans A-Ing and also the many people who like me and are interested in me, I’m not sure if this is the right decision or not either, but it’s something I decided after a lot of thought, so I’m going to really tell my story.
To be honest, I’d dreamt of being on stage since I was very young. I achieved that dream and I received so much more love and interest than I ever could have imagined, and I think I went through a process of growth. Maybe because I’ve thought that I’ve especially had so many opportunities ever since I was young, I’ve always felt grateful and, to be honest, excited. At those times, I also felt sorry. Time went on and after my debut I became an adult, and I thought I needed to take responsibility for everything I do, I thought I shouldn’t make any mistakes, and I wanted be someone that was everyone’s choice. Because of that ambition, I just looked straight ahead and kept running. I didn’t know I was sick. However, because of the great people and fans who were always together with me, I just thought I was okay. I put it off, said it wasn’t true and I was okay, but then I found out when I first went to the hospital in 2016 that I was ill mentally. Like how naturally when you’re physically sick you take medicine, like when you have a cold you have to take cold medicine, I was someone who had always been so tough, so I couldn’t believe the diagnosis of depression and panic disorder. I think I didn’t believe it for a year.
Now, I naturally get treatment once every two weeks, and I try not to think badly about it because I have many people around me. But then I first experienced my vision getting foggy and I collapsed. Several times I thought his must be a symptom of my panic disorder too and ignored it. However, a doctor advised me to go to a university hospital so I had some tests done on my brainwaves, and I found out that I have something called vasovagal syncope. I was lost and it seemed I had no options. I wanted to be on stage, but I was worried that if I kept falling down like this often, if people knew that I’m sick, then maybe people wouldn’t want to have me perform. Since I was worried about that, I didn’t want to tell anyone. I wanted to keep my secret for a long time, but whenever I would fall down, I’d feel anxious on my own and I felt so sorry. When I was doing an advertisement or something else on my schedule, when I was doing an event, I was so sorry to the many people who had believed in me and entrusted me with that. So I wanted to relieve those feelings even a little bit, and that’s why I’m saying this honestly. Although I was cautious, I didn’t hide it and gathered up the courage to try to talk about it. I’m going to keep bravely trying to be well, but I think people can’t be perfect. I think it’s not too late and I’m going to love myself and take care of myself. I’m going to be courageous and honest, like I am now. Thank you very much for reading.
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안녕 안녕하세요 우리 팬들 아잉 또는 저를 좋아해 주시고 관심 가져주시는 많은 분들 이게 맞는 선택일지 아닐지는 저도 모르겠지만 많이 생각하고 또 생각해 선택한 것이기에 진짜 제 이야기를 해 볼까 해요 사실 저는 아주 어릴 적부터 무대 위에 서려는 꿈을 갖고 있었어요 그러다 보니 꿈을 이루었고 또 생각하지도 못했던 사랑들을 관심들을 마음을 정말 많이도 받고 성장과정을 가져온 것 같아요 어린 시절부터 저에게는 유독 많은 기회들이 있다고 생각해서인지 늘 감사했고 솔직히 신났어요 그럴 때면 미안함이 들기도 했고요 그렇게 시간이 지나 제가 데뷔 이후 성인이 되었고 제가 하는 모든 일은 책임을 져야 한다 실수해서는 안 돼 누구에게나 선택받는 사람이고 싶은 욕심이 생겨 앞만 보고 달려갔어요 제가 아픈지도 모르고 있었죠 그래도 주변에 늘 함께해주시는 좋은 분들 그리고 팬들이 항상 함께였으니까 괜찮은 줄로만 알았어요 미루고 아니라며 괜찮다고 넘겨오다가 처음 2016년 병원을 가보고 나서야 알게 되었어요 저도 마음이 아픈 상태였단 걸 몸이 아프면 약을 먹는 게 자연스러운 것처럼 감기에 감기약을 먹어야 하는 것처럼 늘 단단해왔던 저였기에 우울증과 공황장애라는 진단이 믿기지 않았죠 일 년은 믿지 못 했던 것 같아요 지금은 자연스럽게 이주에 한번 꾸준히 치료받고 있고 나쁘게 생각하지만은 않으려 해요 많은 분들이 함께해주기 때문에 그러다 처음 앞이 뿌옇게 보이더니 푹하고 쓰러졌어요 여러 번 이것도 공황장애 증세 중 하나려나 하고 넘어가려다 의사선생님 말씀에 대학병원에서 뇌파 등 이것저것 검사를 해보고 알게 된 사실은 미주신경성 실신이라는 병이 있더라고요 뾰족한 수가 없는 멍했어요 무대에 서고 싶은데 내가 이렇게 자주 푹하고 쓰러진다면 내가 아프단 걸 알면 누가 날 찾아주려나 제일 먼저 걱정이 앞서서 누구에게도 알리고 싶지 않았어요 근데 비밀이란 게 오랫동안 지켜지면 좋으려만 푹푹 쓰러질 때마다 혼자 속 졸이며 미안하고 또 미안한 마음이 들더라고요 광고나 스케줄 소화 할 때면 행사할 때면 절 믿고 맡겨 주시는 많은 분들께 죄송했어요 그래서 제 마음이 조금이나마 가볍고 싶어 이렇게 솔직하게 얘기하게 되었고 조심스러웠지만 숨기지 않고 용기 내서 얘기해보았어요 앞으로도 씩씩하게 잘 지내려고 노력할 테지만 사람은 완벽할 수만은 없나 봐요 늦지 않았다고 생각하고 제 자신을 사랑하고 보살펴주려고요 지금처럼 용기 내어 솔직할 거고요 읽어주셔서 고맙고 감사합니다